I haven’t been around much lately since I just moved to a new place, took a vacation, and work just got a hell of a lot crazier. But, by the power of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am here to provide you with some literary entertainment! Who else is in the mood for sassy teenage love, exorcisms, and fashion advice?
Claudia Mair Burney, a Christian fiction author, released an interesting novel in 2008 titled The Exorsistah. The book has received five 5-star reviews on amazon. The cover reads, “If you think the streets are mean, meet Emme Vaughn, demon-huntress.” Oh yes, folks, this is a golden example of contemporary Christian literature. Don’t ask how I got it; just sit back, relax, and wonder along with me how writing like this gets published.
Let’s hear some quotes, shall we? Starting with the opening paragraphs:
I hate demons. A dang-gone demon kept me from eating my French fries. … My black babydoll T-shirt and Apple Bottom jeans sagged on my body like all my diva had forsaken me. My hair hung in knotty, dread-like ropes down my back. I looked a hot mess, but I didn’t mind. ‘Cause I was gon’ have a spiritual experience with my fries.
As I watched them browning to golden perfection, I threw my hands in the air and raised the roof just because they smelled so good. I dipped the spatula in the skillet and turned the fries over. Then tapped off the excess oil to a beat as hot and poppin’ as the grease. I ain’t gon’ lie. I did a lil’ booty shaking, imagining myself in a pair of supah-bad kick-butt diva boots I saw at Briarwood Mall. Prada. Black and fine as me.
And so begins an amusing first chapter that includes a poorly described confrontation with a “lust demon” influencing Emme’s foster father to molest her in the kitchen. I think I counted 4 “Shoot”s and 5 “Dang!”s in the first 7 pages alone. This chick’s got some sass and a clean mouth.
No lie, I read this in the bathroom. My laughs echoed.
Here are some other gems from the Ebonics-speaking, demon-sassin’ heroine:
I felt so tired, I yawned every few minutes, the fatigue wearing on my shoulders like I was rockin’ a Baby Phat jacket made out of lead. (p.12)
[Emme] “I mean, God and I kick it all the time. Like, constantly.”
Francis said, ” I like to pray kick it with the Lord too, But don’t get me wrong. I love me some Liturgy of the Hours.” (p. 68)
I used to kick it with Jesus until I realized that we were in separate cliques.
Our girl Emme has the hots for Francis, the Liturgy-lovin fine boy from above. Let’s see what happens when She learns he’s planning on being a virgin forever!
[Emme] “What do you mean he wants to be a priest? … You mean a preist like a don’t-ever-get-married Catholic priest? … I don’t feel good, Penny Pop.”
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“One of my possible futures just got significantly less interesting. With fewer people in it. It’s minus one fine bro’ and my babies. Oh, Lord! All my babies are gone!”
She started laughing. “Girl, you ain’t thinkin’ bout no babies right now.”
“I know! Shoot. But yo, our potential was the bomb! I’m all messed up over here now. Emme Vaughn can’t have no ghetto Thorn Bird babies. That ain’t right, Penny Pop.” (p.81-82)
Oh no! not the babies!!
I love novels like these. Nothing like a little salvation and spiritual warfare to punctuate a teen romance.