The Exorsistah
I haven’t been around much lately since I just moved to a new place, took a vacation, and work just got a hell of a lot crazier. But, by the power of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am here to provide you with some literary entertainment! Who else is in the mood for sassy teenage love, exorcisms, and fashion advice?

Claudia Mair Burney, a Christian fiction author, released an interesting novel in 2008 titled The Exorsistah. The book has received five 5-star reviews on amazon. The cover reads, “If you think the streets are mean, meet Emme Vaughn, demon-huntress.” Oh yes, folks, this is a golden example of contemporary Christian literature. Don’t ask how I got it; just sit back, relax, and wonder along with me how writing like this gets published.

Let’s hear some quotes, shall we? Starting with the opening paragraphs:

I hate demons. A dang-gone demon kept me from eating my French fries. … My black babydoll T-shirt and Apple Bottom jeans sagged on my body like all my diva had forsaken me. My hair hung in knotty, dread-like ropes down my back. I looked a hot mess, but I didn’t mind. ‘Cause I was gon’ have a spiritual experience with my fries.

As I watched them browning to golden perfection, I threw my hands in the air and raised the roof just because they smelled so good. I dipped the spatula in the skillet and turned the fries over. Then tapped off the excess oil to a beat as hot and poppin’ as the grease. I ain’t gon’ lie. I did a lil’ booty shaking, imagining myself in a pair of supah-bad kick-butt diva boots I saw at Briarwood Mall. Prada. Black and fine as me.

And so begins an amusing first chapter that includes a poorly described confrontation with a “lust demon” influencing Emme’s foster father to molest her in the kitchen. I think I counted 4 “Shoot”s and 5 “Dang!”s in the first 7 pages alone. This chick’s got some sass and a clean mouth.
No lie, I read this in the bathroom. My laughs echoed.

Here are some other gems from the Ebonics-speaking, demon-sassin’ heroine:

I felt so tired, I yawned every few minutes, the fatigue wearing on my shoulders like I was rockin’ a Baby Phat jacket made out of lead. (p.12)

[After reading Matthew 11:28 from The Message Emme says,] “Nothing heavy or ill-fitting, huh? Sounds like some Jesus couture. I love it. Sign me up for that.” (p.63)

Oh, like this? Or maybe some of this?

[Emme] “I mean, God and I kick it all the time. Like, constantly.”

Francis said, ” I like to pray kick it with the Lord too, But don’t get me wrong. I love me some Liturgy of the Hours.” (p. 68)

I used to kick it with Jesus until I realized that we were in separate cliques.

Our girl Emme has the hots for Francis, the Liturgy-lovin fine boy from above. Let’s see what happens when She learns he’s planning on being a virgin forever!

[Emme] “What do you mean he wants to be a priest? … You mean a preist like a don’t-ever-get-married Catholic priest? … I don’t feel good, Penny Pop.”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“One of my possible futures just got significantly less interesting. With fewer people in it. It’s minus one fine bro’ and my babies. Oh, Lord! All my babies are gone!”

She started laughing. “Girl, you ain’t thinkin’ bout no babies right now.”

“I know! Shoot. But yo, our potential was the bomb! I’m all messed up over here now. Emme Vaughn can’t have no ghetto Thorn Bird babies. That ain’t right, Penny Pop.” (p.81-82)

Oh no! not the babies!!

I love novels like these. Nothing like a little salvation and spiritual warfare to punctuate a teen romance.

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6 thoughts on “Book LOL of the Day: The Exorsistah”

Dusty Smith · May 22, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Surely you must be making this up? That dialogue is so embarrassing its hard to believe it can be real. But i guess nothing surprises me anymore. I wrote a book in my early 20's, which I now think sucks ass, but it is a literary masterpiece compared to that drivel.

So thanks for making me feel better about my own writing skills. Your's aren't so bad either =)

    godlessgirl · May 23, 2009 at 12:53 am

    I'm sure it gets better… like maybe at the very end? Maybe if another demon shows up? … Maybe?

    I like your writing style already. Your attitude and purpose come out easily, and you're able to form a complete picture in a short essay.

    You should read some of the junk I wrote in college when I studied creative writing (I shouldn't mention that, since it brings expectations that I might actually be able to construct a sentence). Most of my stories and essays were riddled with adjectives, mixed metaphors, and pictoral language that would make your teeth grind. Ah well! Live and learn.

Gregory · May 22, 2009 at 10:30 pm

Oh me oh my. I think it's the shoots and dangs that got me. Or maybe it was the similes. My eyes are bleeding…

Someday, I swear, I'm going to share the terror that is Lucifer's Experiment. Self-published. New Age. Oh, so very New Age. And the writing makes this stuff you quoted read like frellin' Shakespeare.

And it was handed to me by the author. Lucky for me, I've never seen her again, because man, that would be one awkward conversation.

    godlessgirl · May 23, 2009 at 12:54 am

    Oh I'm looking forward to seeing quotes from that! Send it along! And I'm glad you haven't had to give proper feedback yet 😉

MsAbominable · February 17, 2011 at 4:47 pm

As a young black woman, I am thoroughly embarrassed that this book was even published. My head hurts from all the facepalming I did while reading just the excerpts. The pain!

On My Bookshelf | Godless Girl · February 16, 2011 at 12:02 pm

[…] shitsn’giggles, here’s a not-so-intellectual book I also grabbed off the Free Shelf that’s sure to make you […]

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