We atheists have heard the common argument that God gives humans their moral code and without God there can be nothing good accomplished in the world. One could also assume that the closer one gets to God and the more of the Holy Spirit one has inside themselves, the less douchey one must become.

Unfortunately this is not the case.

To illustrate what a few “godly” men do in the name of Jesus, I’m going to profile two of my favorite faith healers. Enjoy them or loathe them–just don’t donate money to them!

If You Yell Loud Enough, It’s Not Bullshit

First up, Kerney Thomas, a man who loves Cosby sweaters and thinks “GAAAWWD” wants you to have a miracle over the phone. His late night call-in show is one long infomercial for magical Blood-O-Jesus handkerchiefs and “prayer packages” (which appear to be nothing but donation envelopes and a form letter).

Thomas is a one-trick pony. When not promoting his good luck charms and “pwayer[sic] packages”, he’s taking calls from the poor, sick, and desperate. After chanting the same nonsense syllables as always (“Ee ko bah sha ta la ta boh ko sha”), clenching his face tightly, and screaming “GAAAWWWD!” a few times, he makes up shit claims miracles for his audience. He asks them to confirm they feel better or that they believe a magical deposit will appear soon into their bank accounts.

My favorite clip of Thomas is also the hardest one to watch. A woman feeling terrible pain in her elbows calls in, begging for help and relief. Watch to see what can happen to those who believe in charlatans and dewoosional faith healers:

If that doesn’t leave you angry, sad, and chuckling, I’m not sure what to do with you.Why this man is on the air blows my mind. His cheap tricks clearly play to the uneducated, desperate, and lonely–yet he asks for their money and encourages his watchers rely on “miracles” instead of practical solutions and help. I’m most concerned for the people who can’t afford to get the proper care. If it was available to them, they would probably not be going to this joker for his babbling and handkerchiefs.

Leave your own thoughts about Kerney Thomas in the comments! Coming up next: Part 2: a preacher and his fists of fury!

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8 thoughts on “Lies, Damn Lies, and Lunatics: Part 1”

Nessie · November 18, 2009 at 5:45 am

GAAAWWWWDDD what a cruel a**hole.

Nessie · November 18, 2009 at 5:47 am

What's more is, I know Christian people who will be appalled at this, but the exact thing goes on in church, just a lot more toned down. The 'ra ba ka sha ka la' still goes on though.

    godlessgirl · November 18, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Speaking in tongues (which most charismatics would even agree that he is faking) is common, but his version is just hilarious gibberish that he repeats over an over. I'd like to know if it means "come eat my blistering sore" in some foreign language or something.

      Nessie · January 14, 2011 at 7:40 am

      Only seeing your reply now (completely forgot I’d commented on this post!) – isn’t all ‘speaking in tongues’ a version of hilarious gibberish then? I know at the church I went to that it all sounded like this, only difference is that this guy has the microphone and a TV spot.

        Godless Girl · January 14, 2011 at 10:16 am

        Yes, I think it is, though usually much more creative and motivated by ecstatic emotions.

RoofWoofer · November 23, 2009 at 4:19 am

One could also assume that the closer one gets to God and the more of the Holy Spirit one has inside themselves, the less douchey one must become.____Not sure that this post contradicts the hypothesis. Depends on whether "be" and "claims to be" are synonyms. Or, in a retroflash, what the meaning of "is" iis.

Rahul Gandhi · September 7, 2011 at 1:52 am

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Lies, Damn Lies, and Lunatics: part 2 | Godless Girl · October 4, 2010 at 11:41 am

[…] of my favorite dish and yours: Christian faith healers. Check out the other parts in this series: Kerney Thomas and his magic handkerchiefs and coming next, a douche of epic […]

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