I’m subjecting myself to seeing New Moon today with my girlfriends [Edit: I was going to see it, but then I came down with some nasty virus]. I am the only non-fan among them, so I’ve been acting out by glorifying all that is horrible and hilarious about the book series. Not familiar with Twilight? Unsure if you should read it or not? Here, this should solve everything. (Spoiler alert. …I can’t believe I care about saying that.)
Now the proof that your children should not be reading these books! But perhaps you should if you love to hate things like I do. Quotes were gathered from various sources (mostly this one)–but not my brain nor my books (which I shall not admit to reading unless under extreme duress).
<3 & gay sparkles!
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.14
“My name is Stephanie Meyer and I just learned about foreshadowing in 8th grade Language Arts!”
Edward: “Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk.”
Edward: “You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”
Edward: “Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?”
His cold touch on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could somehow hear it.
Anyone else wonder what happens when she farts?
I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I would give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.
-Edward Cullen, Midnight Sun
“Well shit, I just wanted to borrow your Bunsen burner; you didn’t have to bite my head off!”
When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.35
No, that starts in book 2.
His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.45
Cliché #257 accounted for!
I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.67
I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 6, p.117
Aaaaaand obsessed needy girlfriend is born.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Now for the creeptastic best-of-the-best!
You’re always crabbier when your eyes are black — I expect it then.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 8, p.171
Expect what exactly? Red flag!
It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.188
I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.188
They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 12, p.244
I don’t seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you’ll get your way… whether it kills you or not.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 24, p.473
You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.293
I couldn’t let you walk away from me. It hurt just to imagine it.
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 29, p.562
You are my life now.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.314
Well, I wasn’t going to live without you. But I wasn’t sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.
-Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 1, p.19
I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Bella, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.
-Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 23, p.509
The outside world holds no interest for me without you.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 2, p.49
I go a little berserk when I try to leave you. I don’t think I’ll go so far again. It’s not worth it.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.189
She is mine. I didn’t say I would fight fair.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 15, p.341
I’m the only one who has permission to hold you hostage, remember?
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 19, p.427
Fuchsia flag! Fuchsia flag!
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.195
Can anyone say “Stockholm syndrome”?
I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.303
Creepy, selfish, angry, manipulator. Wow, what a keeper.
Monsters are not a joke, Bella.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 1, p.25
But apparently they are love interests and glorified to impressionable girls through the form of ghastly fiction.
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.95
This cold, dead thing? Thanks for the rotten gift, you over-written cheesy sapgoat.
Why are you doing this to me?
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 6, p.102
You are making me insane, Bella.
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 6, p.103
Good one, Eddie, blame her for what you do to her.
I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn’t bother you?
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 25, p.558
They are so M.F.E.O.
It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 10, p.226