I’m subjecting myself to seeing New Moon today with my girlfriends [Edit: I was going to see it, but then I came down with some nasty virus]. I am the only non-fan among them, so I’ve been acting out by glorifying all that is horrible and hilarious about the book series. Not familiar with Twilight? Unsure if you should read it or not? Here, this should solve everything. (Spoiler alert. …I can’t believe I care about saying that.)

Now the proof that your children should not be reading these books! But perhaps you should if you love to hate things like I do. Quotes were gathered from various sources (mostly this one)–but not my brain nor my books (which I shall not admit to reading unless under extreme duress).

<3 & gay sparkles!

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.14

“My name is Stephanie Meyer and I just learned about foreshadowing in 8th grade Language Arts!”

Edward: “Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk.”

Bella: “Drunk?”

Edward: “You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”

Edward: “Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?”


His cold touch on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could somehow hear it.

Anyone else wonder what happens when she farts?

I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I would give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.
-Edward Cullen, Midnight Sun

“Well shit, I just wanted to borrow your Bunsen burner; you didn’t have to bite my head off!”

When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.35

No, that starts in book 2.

His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.45

Cliché #257 accounted for!

I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.67

I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 6, p.117

Aaaaaand obsessed needy girlfriend is born.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Now for the creeptastic best-of-the-best!

You’re always crabbier when your eyes are black — I expect it then.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 8, p.171

Expect what exactly? Red flag!

It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.188

I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.188

They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 12, p.244

I don’t seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you’ll get your way… whether it kills you or not.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 24, p.473

You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.293

I couldn’t let you walk away from me. It hurt just to imagine it.
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 29, p.562

You are my life now.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, p.314

Well, I wasn’t going to live without you. But I wasn’t sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi.
-Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 1, p.19

I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Bella, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.
-Edward Cullen, New Moon, Chapter 23, p.509

The outside world holds no interest for me without you.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 2, p.49

I go a little berserk when I try to leave you. I don’t think I’ll go so far again. It’s not worth it.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.189

She is mine. I didn’t say I would fight fair.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 15, p.341

I’m the only one who has permission to hold you hostage, remember?
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 19, p.427

Fuchsia flag! Fuchsia flag!

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 9, p.195

Can anyone say “Stockholm syndrome”?

I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.
-Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 14, p.303

Creepy, selfish, angry, manipulator. Wow, what a keeper.

Monsters are not a joke, Bella.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 1, p.25

But apparently they are love interests and glorified to impressionable girls through the form of ghastly fiction.

I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.95

This cold, dead thing? Thanks for the rotten gift, you over-written cheesy sapgoat.

Why are you doing this to me?
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 6, p.102

You are making me insane, Bella.
-Edward Cullen, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 6, p.103

Good one, Eddie, blame her for what you do to her.

I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn’t bother you?
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 25, p.558

They are so M.F.E.O.

It gets easier. After a few decades, everyone you know is dead. Problem solved.
-Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 10, p.226


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23 thoughts on “Twilight Quotes That Make You Go OMGWTF”

Veritas · November 21, 2009 at 6:11 pm

What in the fuck? How can people read this shit? Also, I got angry at New Moon existing so I downvoted it at IMDb – checking the statistics it seems that girls heart it, and guys…sure as hell don't.

Claire V · November 21, 2009 at 10:49 pm

As someone who absolutely loves the series, I feel the need to comment. I'm under no illusions that the writing is good, and I'm also aware that their relationship is by no means healthy. I don't care, it's still an engrossing fiction. I mean, consider the number of songs that are popular where the lyrics are basically "I'm a total stalker and I want you forever"… people still like the songs, even though if the situation existed in real life they'd probably be totally freaked by it. It's called FANTASY guys. And clearly the overprotective super-strong and mysterious boyfriend who loves you beyond reason is a popular one. So why rain on other people's parades? Yeah, the stories may be ridiculous but obviously a lot of people enjoy them, and far as I can tell it's pretty harmless. I know GodlessGirl that in general you're pretty open-minded, and if you really don't believe in telling people or making fun of them about who they can marry, love etc. etc. then I don't see why you make fun of people for a harmless enjoyment they indulge in.

    waenhir · October 30, 2013 at 2:43 am

    80/20 rule. cos 80 percent are idiots.

    Anonymous · April 22, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    @Claire V
    Twilight isn’t “harmless.” Twilight fans threaten to kill Twilight haters. Is that okay to you? Also, young impressionable girls are using Bella as a role model. That too is harmful.
    Yes, it’s fantasy, but it still needs to set a good example for the readers, especially since the audience is made of young teenagers. Kids and teens usually aren’t listening to songs about stalkers, and most people don’t use songs as role models. A book is totally different.
    Harry Potter was kind, smart, and loyal and had hardships to face, which he did. Good example for kids. Katniss Everdeen was a strong, brave, intelligent teenage girl. Good role model, especially for girls. Bella Swan was a whiny, ungrateful teen who had no ambitions until she meets an abusive man who turns out to be a monster, and then all she wants is to be with him. She gives up her life to be with him. No, Twilight fans, that isn’t sweet. It’s stupid. She had no backbone and no common sense. She was a BAD ROLE MODEL.
    Society is already becoming dumber and dumber. If books like Twilight are popular, that’s only proving my point. I know if people use Bella as a role model, society will get even dumber.

      Ella Ingram (Google+) · July 24, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      I totally agree with u 🙂 omg r you a Potterhead? Me too 🙂

Bailey · November 21, 2009 at 6:07 pm

It's so nice to see other people laughing at the crazy, creepy, manipulative bullshit that is the entire Twilight series!

Celeste · November 30, 2009 at 10:14 pm

I'm a little ashamed to admit I enjoyed the books. The movies are terrible and Jasper, OMG, wtf is with his expression in the movies? The Jasper I pictured from reading the books was a whole lot less retarded.

I have to say that even though I enjoyed the series, I agree with you. The writing is unbelievably redundant and the books are way too long.

Oscar Wilde Quotes · May 12, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Hi there, may I quote some of the information here in this post if I provide you with a link back to your website?

Reema · May 13, 2010 at 1:09 pm

I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.95

This cold, dead thing? Thanks for the rotten gift, you over-written cheesy sapgoat.

Tell me something. How many men have dumped you?! How many have broken your heart? You’re nothing but a cynical jealous fraud.

    Vee · September 22, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    ….you, realize that she wasn’t talking about Bella’s heart, right?
    Ol’ Eddie’s a vampire. His heart stopped beating a hundred years ago.

Elaine · June 30, 2010 at 3:40 pm

“one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me”

reminds me of: http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/tony.html – “I can’t stop thinking about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he’ll ever return someday.”

Maggie · July 8, 2010 at 1:33 am

To paraphrase a previous comment: Yeah, GodlessGirl! You’ve never felt the pain of being a codependent wretch watching her abusive, stalker boyfriend leave for the fifth time this month! Have you ever screamed like a tortured animal into a pillow?! I thought so! How dare you judge the power of this series!

On a more serious note, I enjoyed your post. I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds this Twilight-thing creepy and atrociously written. 🙂

Judith · July 31, 2010 at 5:40 am

I think that many of the older readers of the series realize that the writing isn’t that good. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. How many of us can say that we don’t have any guilty pleasures? Twilight, Gossip Girl, basically everything on VH-1… I can read The Economist and Twilight, watch Jersey Shore and Mad Men; I just enjoy them in different ways.

Randy Smith · August 31, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Love is SO not like this. In no world should this be considered romantic, realistic, or in any way entertaining. Perhaps the most entertaining part of this whole Twilight craze we have to endure…is things like this here article, that spring up as a result of this “saga’s” horridness, and confirm to the readers and writers of REAL literary merit, that what we’re witnessing is just as crappy as we imagine it is. Thanks for that! lol

Stephen · February 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Harry Potter series isn’t perfect, or free of stealing other’s ideas, or using outright cliche. But it’s done pretty well in the press. If you hit a nerve, then people won’t put it down.

The 7 Harry books will have 8 movies. The Twilight books get an extra movie too.

In the mean time, the Eragon books get an extra book, but stop at one miserable movie. Maybe when the series is over, someone will rescue the books with a half way decent movie series.

greengeekgirl · March 12, 2011 at 6:06 am

Pretty sure if I had been drinking iced tea while reading this, I would have showered my monitor with it. Hilare.

PersonalFailure · August 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I read Twilight because my niece was reading them. I think she gave up the Twilight obsession purely because of the many, many long talks we had about the books.

Allison · November 25, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Personally i have a love hate relationship with this series. Some of its good and some of it is admittidly over-kill . . . I liked reading them non the less and had an unheathy addiction to them at one point, but after the horrific display the movies set up i dont like them. The series is fine tho, no harm done, espeacially considering theyre fantacy and arent ment to be taken seriously. Stop being haters and let fans be fans.

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barlow chevrolet · September 14, 2014 at 8:06 pm

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darkocean · June 11, 2015 at 10:14 pm

I’m a girl and I think the book is creepy (not in a fun way.) , the grammatical errors, flat characters, and abundance of adjectives make my head hurt. Her editor needs to be fired.

(My grammar is not the best so please excuse any errors. At least I know it’s bad and try to fix it!)

A Game of Twilight? | George Schorschi Comedy · August 10, 2014 at 7:20 am

[…] [16] Source […]

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