Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)
There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”
Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.
Why I’m Childfree
I don’t want kids.
That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.
Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.
If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member
If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.
Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.
Avoid these common phrases or arguments:
- You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
- Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
- When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
- Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
- We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
- It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
- But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
- I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
- You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]
Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.
Why Are Childfree People Mean?
We’re not!
Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.
Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!
I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.
Kids in My Future
Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.
This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”. It means I am not bull-headed enough to say “never”.
To My Fellow Childfree Friends
If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!
If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.
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- To Procreate or Not to Procreate: That is the Question | Clandestine Underground
- Childless By Choice - Dina RunsDina Runs
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Thanks to all the recent commenters! I appreciate the fact that so many people with different choices and stories feel comfortable about chiming in and being heard. So glad to have you!
Wow, telling a woman she can’t be fulfilled unless she gives birth is low. Especially to women who would like to but can’t. And isn’t a man’s body also designed to breed? People generally don’t have ignorant comments for them. Just goes to show, no matter what women achieve people will believe that her only goalie life should be motherhood.
THANK YOU! Thank you for writing this! I do not want any children. I’m 22 and I hear those exact arguements about my decision all the fricking time. Everyone gets annoyed that I don’t want chldren and I’m so sick of it. The more these people get all huffy about it and tried to dissuade me from making this seemingly horrible choice the more staunch I get about it. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t.
Wow, thank you so much for saying all this for me! When I was engaged (and even at the wedding reception) people were already asking about kids, and when I said we didn’t want any I got several replies straight off your list! I’m giving your list of no-no’s to some family and friends, to try to help them get it. I love kids, but I’d rather love someone else’s!
Oh I love you Godless girl for this article! I mean I absolutely adore children, but i seriously have no desire to have one of my own. And when i mention such thing in conversation with people – i have gotten looks of disgust, and have been told things like – ‘you are biologically programmed to have one’, ‘wtf? what kind of woman doesnt want children?’, and other things you mentioned. I am just happy as I am, what’s wrong with that?!! It is great to reproduce and add to the greater goodness, but I am adding to the greater goodness in a different way. True, we have the “equipment” to reproduce, but we also have this thing called choice in this day and age!
In my country, saying you don’t want kids is like throwing yourself off a cliff. People will give you disgusted looks. “What kind of woman doesn’t want kids, you make me sick”. And I live in eastern europe, not some country where stoning people is acceptable!
I agree too i don’t want kids either and i get asked why dont i want kids. Im just never had the urge to be a mom i love my freedom and being able to take a trip at random.
I love the “when you meet the right man, you will want to have children” or ” what if you fall in love and get married, you won’t give your husband children?” NO I won’t I met the love of my life over a year ago and I don’t think I could love him more however he knows how I feel and respects it. If things were to change we both have the option of moving forward and won’t be connected by such an obligation. Futhermore, a person has to want children in order to be open to having them once they meet someone they want children with right? I am just feed up with the explaining myself because it’s not enough that I don’t want kids. I have to explain why, that’s BS because people are having childen they can’t feed or clothe and calling it a blessing. I don’t feel I am missing anything at all and would never have a child to please anyone or any man for that matter. I am upfront with men I date about not ever wanting children, so if that is not something that they can accept, then plenty women are more than willing.
Thank you for publishing this excellent article, I am 22, and although do not know how I may feel regarding kids when i’m 30 I know my current thoughts and feelings, and you reflect them wonderfully!
I thought that at 22 too. I was married but far too young to even consider that and I’m glad I didn’t because the man I was married to turned out to be an abusive control freak and I was able to escape him completely. I am now 30 and married to a real man and have 2 beautiful boys (2 and 24 wks). I never ruled it out bet nor was it my life’s goal. I hit 27 and sure enough I got clucky so decided WITH my husband that then was the right time for us.
It’s a big and permanent, but more importantly, a personal choice so while I also abjectly loathe the mothers and others who think that a woman is for having children and denigrate those women who have chosen not to, I also loathe the ‘childless by choice’ who act like not only is their choice the ONLY rational one (we’d pretty soon die out if we ALL though that way) but carp on about children and mothers being a plague on society or something vulgar and unsightly which should be kept out of sight: especially theirs.
It is entirely wrong to try to pressure another woman into making that decision especially as most of us are fighting so hard for a woman’s right to choose and to keep abortion legal and safe, I applaud Godless girl for her reasonable attitude and wish there were more like her in the world.
It was a pleasure to read this piece — especially the even-handed manner in which you approach the subject. I’d like to add one more to the list that I often get (which in a strange way may actually be a compliment — maybe some people truly can’t gauge my age):
WELL-MEANING PERSON: So, do you have any children?
ME: (cordially) No.
WELL-MEANING PERSON: (lowers voice) Oh, well — it’s not too late.
ME: Well…yes, it is.
end
I’m almost six years into menopause (mine happened quite early on into my 40′s). It truly is too late! But I’m grateful that it is – I don’t miss having a period – and I’m so thankful I don’t have kids. Instead of the drama that I might be going through now with teenagers or if I’d had them later in life, five-or-six-year-olds — I enjoy the luxury of sleeping in on weekends and being able to do absolutely nothing if I choose. That is worth its weight in gold to me.