Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)
There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”
Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.
Why I’m Childfree
I don’t want kids.
That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.
Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.
If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member
If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.
Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.
Avoid these common phrases or arguments:
- You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
- Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
- When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
- Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
- We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
- It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
- But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
- I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
- You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]
Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.
Why Are Childfree People Mean?
We’re not!
Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.
Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!
I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.
Kids in My Future
Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.
This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”. It means I am not bull-headed enough to say “never”.
To My Fellow Childfree Friends
If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!
If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.
134 Comments
Trackbacks
- How To Take Good Pictures Of People: Photography Secrets Revealed! | Evans Photography Studio
- Childfree « The Word Warrior
- To Procreate or Not to Procreate: That is the Question | Clandestine Underground
- Childless By Choice - Dina RunsDina Runs
Meghan on 
LeetheGirl on 
Loading ...
Doesn’t really apply to me since I am a father but it is a great entry. Thank you for your perspective.
.-= Chaoticwhizz’s last blog ..Chaoticwhizz: Need a laugh. Catching up on Keith and the Girl. Its my favorite humor podcast. http://www.keithandthegirl.com/ =-.
Thanks for appreciating the thoughts from the other side of the bridge
Thank you for this entry, I personally look for ways not to be angry at people who say things like “don’t you feel the clock ticking”. Anger eats you from inside, if you don’t do something about it.
.-= Miranda McKennitt’s last blog ..Obowiązkowe testy na dopalacze w szkołach =-.
Hmm, what about some rejoinders like:
“I don’t own any ticking clocks; I use digital.”
“I feel the clock ticking away the seconds until this conversation is over.”
“I smashed all my clocks when a giant crocodile came after me and bit off my hand. My name is Captain Hook.”
I also don’t have any kids, but I thought I’d try my hand at a good argument why you should: You need to pass on your awesome genes and make more awesome humans to dilute all the crazy genes that are being rapidly reproduced! (-_^)
Nice post GG!
.-= TheGuy’s last blog ..Answer the Questinnonaire! =-.
haha, thanks Guy! I am quite flattered.
Actually, I wonder about the dumbification of the gene pool in general…
Dumbification (great word!) of the gene pool is a real worry in the US, especially since migrants tend to be strongly religious. Too late for me to worry, though, I’m a grandfather.
Thank you for writing down everything I’ve ever thought! I too have no immediate plans to breed, I think some people I know are having too many kids too fast, but that’s their business. Great post GG.
.-= David’s last blog ..DaveLerner: RT @RichardDawkins: ‘Nate Phelps hopes to heal’ by Tim Hrenchir – cjonline.com – RichardDawkins.net http://bit.ly/blVIze =-.
Thank you so much, and I’m glad you felt like I expressed your thoughts as well!
Having a child should not be for reasons of duty, status or fashion. A child who is wanted has a much better chance of leading a happy and fullfilled life (see freakonomics article http://www.isteve.com/abortion.htm ).
So once again GG you are to be admired for your wisdom.
Me, I chose to be a father and have not regretted that decison – much
Another way to give a child a better life is to not use a baby to solve a marriage’s problems (I bet it never, ever will). One of my acquaintances was afraid of losing her husband and thought a baby would bring them together. They didn’t address their issues before they were trying to conceive, and the issues only escalated after the baby. Now they’re divorcing and fighting over custody and affecting the life of that child forever.
Something else to add to the possible reasons/phrases/arguments –
As you get older, having an adult family feels a lot different than having a family of young kids. And as you reach retirement age, many of your friends may be spending more time with their extended families – you may wish you had one.
It’s not a compelling reason to have kids, but it’s an issue that may come up later.
As an adult child, I agree that it’s a very special thing to have family you enjoy spending time with. Not many families are drama-free or all get along,but I am personally fortunate enough to have adult siblings and great parents who are funny and interesting.
You’re right, it doesn’t compel me, but I do appreciate it.
I knew as a teenager that I never wanted to have children, and I haven’t changed my mind since. I got married in 2008 to a woman who also had never had a desire to have children. I’ve lost count of how many times one of us has said to the other, “I’m so glad you don’t want to have kids”. Usually that’s when we’re witnessing somebody else’s little “bundle of joy” running amok, screaming like a banshee or spewing body fluids of some sort everywhere.
Hehe, I can empathize. A year or so ago my boyfriend and I got to have “the talk” in the msot adult way I’ve ever experienced it with a man before. Neither of us want kids, so I like that we’re on the same page.
This also brings to mind: We also discussed situations in which we would keep a child, so that was enlightening, too. I’m not so dead-set on being without children that I wouldn’t take care of one if it came to that.
hahaha… my wife and i share these little “precious moments” as well.
Love the entry, and I think it’s something that anyone who doesn’t ‘get’ the childfree thing should read. Not that it applies to me, since I do have a kid.
I think, though, that this could be taken a step or so further. I’ve got the one kid, a boy. And it seems that everyone I meet wants to know WHY I don’t have more than one child. So not only am I expected to have kids, but there’s an expectation for multiple children now.
Anyhow, great article.
.-= Tryphyna’s last blog ..In which Shana talks fashion for friday =-.
That’s absolutely true. I know quite a few women who have to argue about why they’re “one and done” or “two is enough” or whatever position they take. It’s as if someone isn’t womanly enough until she can’t have babies anymore and has already repopulated the earth.
No kidding. My son was 3 months old and people started asking me when I’d have another! My husband and I are open to more but we’re just going to take it one day at a time.
I dig your entry, Godless Girl.
“But you’d be a great parent!”
Ye gods, every time I hold someone else’s baby it’s a sure thing someone will spout this at me. Often someone who doesn’t even know me, but is impressed that babies and children like me (and that I like them). For some reason this one particularly gets to me because of the arrogant assumptions made about me and my life.
But truthfully I never really get angry, because I am blissfully in love with my husband and very happy to be childfree, and don’t feel defensive about my decision or opinions at all. Meanwhile I can take great pleasure in the marvelous job my best girlfriends are doing in raising their kids.
.-= ZenMonkey’s last blog ..Weekend sendoff: In the land of the blind, I’d be queen =-.
Godlessgirl: Nice entry! I am agnostic, and since learning of the term “child-free” have often thought that that atheists and agnostics might call themselves “god-free” to rplace the term “godless” which so many theists use against us. In your section addressed to your fellow childfree-by-choicers, you should have recommended that they not be douchebags when discussing their choice. I once stumbled upon a childfree forum and was totally turned off by the hate and ugliness on display there. I still remember one woman who said “just because I haven’t shat out a squat-fruit doesn’t mean…” Ugly, ugly.
Add me to the list of parents who appreciated this post. My wife and I both wanted kids but weren’t sure how many, so we decided to have 1 and then see if we wanted and could afford more. We had a hectic time with our daughter in her early years (we half-joked that she was a teenager at 3), and by the time that was over, we were comfortable having just 1 child. Fortunately, we never got pressure to have more.
As someone else who is childfree by choice, I thank you for this. To be perfectly honest, I have never had any interest in having children, have never particularly wanted to spend time around children, and really don’t envy the lives most of my friends with children live. For me to have kids when I feel this way just wouldn’t be fair to me or to the kids.
Thank you for this. I literally had to plead with my elder sister today to stop asking me to have ‘at least’ one baby. It’s hurtful and disrespectful. I don’t go around telling people not to have kids so why can’t others show the same courtesy to me? Just because I’m married and employed doesn’t mean I ‘have’ to have children. Nobody ‘has’ to get married and nobody ‘has’ to have kids. I’m secular but believe in God and I doubt God thinks that having kids is mandatory. I’m tired of giving reasons for not having children.
It’s really too bad that she and others haven’t heard you properly and given up on pressuring you. I hope that becomes clear to them!
I too am childless by choice, and I live in a state with a very dominant religion that is very demanding that their members have lots of kids and the sooner the better. This means I have heard a lot of the “oh, but you will love them when you have your own”, or, “but you would be a great mom” BS. My FAVORITE though… “you will change your mind someday.” That one usually comes from strangers. Now I am lucky enough to be able to say “I will be 40 this year and I had a hysterectomy at 35, pretty sure I won’t change my mind.” Usually shuts them up.
I laughed out loud at that last bit! I guess finality actually makes people stop pestering. I’m sorry if you ever get a “have you thought about adopting?” after that one.
Yeah, I’ve gotten that too. I am also a firm believer that if your kids are old enough to have kids, you should not be having more kids. I have been to several mormon weddings that the mother of either the bride or groom was pregnant. Kind of like that Duggar freak.
I don’t have kids but if I did they would be old enough that they could have kids. My rule applies to me now too,
.-= Poodles’s last blog ..FUCK CANCER… =-.
Good article. It is good to hear that their is a community out there who don’t want kids. I never have. I also feel the same way about romantic relationships, it’s just not my thing. I have good friends and I have a good time with them, I certainly don’t feel I am missing anything.
Yes, you’re certainly not alone.
Speaking of relationships: just because I love being in a relationship and have grown because of it in many ways, I will not pity you or tell you “you’ll understand when you have a partner” or “you just need to find the right person”. What’s great for me may not be something you need or want
Nothing wrong with that at all!
Thank you for writing this article. I’m a parent, but I have dear friends & family who are treated horridly be people who are acting the way you mentioned. I hate it. I stick up for them when ever I can. I’m forwarding this to all of them. Some of the jerks who just don’t get it.
Thank you
I appreciate all you parents taking the time to read and comment! The fact that you support those around you who choose something different means a lot, trust me!
I am a father (who randomly stumbled in here from twitter) that can totally see where you’re coming from. There are so many things that I’d like to be doing that I just can’t do. I have trouble believing that most parents in my situation (no relatives anywhere close to us, new to the area, military) wouldn’t want to be able to get away from it all and ramble aimlessly all night, stay up past 11:00pm without dreading the next morning, or do something productive with their afternoons like learn a language or an instrument or get another degree. By the time my kids are old enough for me to begin to start having a little of my life back, I’ll be in my 40s and that’s a while from now. So I don’t look down on your choice at all.
But, um, I will say that you just don’t understand. I know, I know, it’s rude and insulting and I’m a jerk for saying it. I’m sure you know all about how everyone says they love their kids like nothing else. Blah blah blah. I knew that before I had kids. No wait, I *thought* I knew that before I had kids. Yes I miss my old life. Yes I miss my old freedom. But what I got in place of it is beyond what I could have understood even though I was pretty sure I did understand (I was looking forward to it, after all).
I’m not trying to talk you into having kids. I couldn’t care less. I don’t know you. And like I said, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. But it really isn’t an insult to suggest that you don’t understand. Because (and I say this as respectfully as I can) if you don’t have kids of your own, you really don’t understand.
Just one guy’s opinion.
You’re right, when someone doesn’t have something or hasn’t experienced it, they can’t truly empathize. It’s like when my father died, people whose parents were still alive couldn’t fathom what I was going through. But that was okay with me, and I’m glad they weren’t in my shoes. Granted, death and children are not the same thing
I think I and others are insulted about the “you just don’t understand” types of words when they’re said in a patronizing, self-righteous manner. The fact that we don’t understand is a statement of fact. But the way it’s said can make it a condescending jab.
It’s like the phrase “I’ll pray for you”. It can be a simple word of intention, or it can mean “You’re wrong; I look down on you; I’m going to tell you this so you know I disapprove.”
You forgot this one.
Me: “I don’t like kids”
Them: “It’s different when it’s yours.”
Me: Sigh.
.-= doctor(logic)’s last blog ..An Argument Against Libertarian Free Will =-.
SO SICK of hearing this one. 1) how is it “different”? 2) what makes the kid “yours”? 3) does this imply that, if given the responsibility of a child’s life, the care you would give a child that isn’t “yours” would be inferior to that which you would give to one who is?
sounds pretty selfish to me!
Thanks so much for this article. It’s really nice to know there are kindred spirits somewhere in the world who understand my life choices. I don’t want or particularly like children, and people can be SO condescending and often downright rude when they discover that. Often times I just tell people I have a medical condition which makes pregnancy inadvisable (which is partially true; I have a strong history of cystic fibrosis on my mom’s side, so I’d think twice about having kids even if I *did* want them) just to avoid their probing questions and looks of disbelief.
Hopefully this will open a few eyes and foster some understanding among that crowd. Thanks again for trying to make things a little better for all of us!
I hope you don’t feel obligated to give excuses for your feelings and convictions. If it comes up again, just be happy in your choice! They may catch on.
thanks for the article. I couldn’t agree more. I’m 45 now and I knew since I was 14, that I didn’t want children. I got a sterilization about 10 yrs ago and it was the best thing I could have done. No more contraception plan, no more arguments with relatives and strangers. And I already met the “right” man and am married to him for 15 yrs now. ;o)
BTW when I was in my beginning 30s, I talked to a gyn about sterilization and she told me ‘you’re too young to decide that’. She barely “knew” me 10 minutes. Needles to say, I went looking for another doc.
But it is true, that over the years, I always checked my decision. There were a lot of times, I questioned it. And then I sat down and looked at the whole thing from all possible perspectives and decided again. And yes, the gene pool thing always was a factor in the decision-making process. In the end, I decided it was better to invest my time and energy trying to make things a bit better and showing others how to do it. Though, up until now, it’s as futile as populating the world with even more homo sapiens is senseless ;o)
Great post! I think the worst thing a person can do is become a parent because society pressures them to feeling like it’s the “right” thing to do. I’ve got twins, and there are days I want to throw them out the window, and I REALLY wanted them! Having children doesn’t make my life more fulfilled or less fulfilled than someone who has chosen to not have children. Just different.
I have a few friends who have chosen to not have children, and I completely get it. Different strokes and all that …
What a great article, thanks for putting how I have always felt into words, I am almost 27 and have never wanted children of my own and still feel that way. A couple of years ago I met a wonderful woman who had 4 children of her own, in September we are getting married, yet all I seem to be getting from people (my mum in particular) is “and your both still young enough to have children of your own” Why can people not understand that I have no desire to breed and that a house with 4 children aged 10 and under has no need to see a population increase? I am going to be a step-father, something I never expected to be, but why should this suddenly make me want one of my own?
This is a great read, and I thank you.
My defense for the statement “kids are a blessing!” is “then why don’t you go ahead and have some more blessings?! Go nuts!”
I got directed to this post from Friendly Atheist and I loved it. As an only child I get a fair amount of pressure from my parents, especially my father (some crap about the family name, he’s an only child as well), to have children. My mother is more concerned about my distaste for marriage. I told them almost exactly what you said here, that’s your problem. If you want grandchildren or a daughter in law why not have another child or adopt?
I like my computer room and silence in my apartment. Those are good enough reasons not to reproduce.
oh yeah, i could make a whole other post about marriage! boy would that open a can of worms….
I always knew I don’t want to have children of my own. Actually I don’t want to be in a relationship either. Maybe I am a bad bad man, to say this, but I am more comfortable when I can freely burn metaphorical bridges of my relationships. If I had children then I would be bound to care for them until the day I die and that just sounds too depressing.
That’s probably why I embrace internet as a means of communication, if I don’t want to communicate anymore I just turn it off and don’t have to feel bad about it.