Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)
There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”
Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.
Why I’m Childfree
I don’t want kids.
That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.
Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.
If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member
If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.
Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.
Avoid these common phrases or arguments:
- You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
- Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
- When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
- Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
- We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
- It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
- But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
- I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
- You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]
Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.
Why Are Childfree People Mean?
We’re not!
Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.
Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!
I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.
Kids in My Future
Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.
This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”. It means I am not bull-headed enough to say “never”.
To My Fellow Childfree Friends
If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!
If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.
Meghan on 
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brava! sing it, sister!
the worst is definitely the “you’ll feel differently when you’re older” when you’ve been feeling that way all your life (admittedly, I’m only 19). At least I have science on my side, thanks twin brother! http://www.pnas.org/content/104/26/10915/F2.expansion.html
I love this post! I’ve never been at all interested in having kids until recently, and I’m not completely sure I’m ever going to. Luckily, I’m young and won’t even consider having kids until I’m out of grad school (4 more years!), and I’m in a relationship with someone who is open to adoption (in a way, I kind of found the “right guy”). My parents have been very accepting about not necessarily getting grandkids from me (I’m not an only child).
My most awkward moments are usually when friends talk about how many kids they want. Usually, I’m the only person who’s not really interested. Maybe because I’m younger, I don’t tend to get into conversations with moms.
I always say stuff like “I really love babysitting, but I also like going home afterward. Don’t worry, I’ll borrow your kids so you can go to the movies.” I’m going to be the most awesome aunt EVAR! lol
Hoorah for being a great aunt! See, I don’t like babysitting, but I like helping people keep their relationships going and do what they need to do. Thus, you help people even if it involves cleaning up baby drool and mashed sweet potatoes off the floor.
My first thought was drool, eww… I think I might just wait until the baby business is over before babysitting
At my wedding reception, a lot of people kept toasting us by saying they hoped we had lots of kids. I bit my tongue, but what I really wanted to say after the four or fifth comment like that was, “Sure we’ll have lots of kids, after all the fetch a hefty price on the black market.”
There is still heavy pressure for us to reproduce. It just isn’t going to happen.
.-= Holytape’s last blog ..The Virgin Birth – A Sasquatch Christmas. =-.
I feel nearly the same except we’re “one and done”. You’d think I have seven eyes by the looks people give me when they find out that we have`an only child by choice.
.-= Molly’s last blog ..I’m back =-.
One woman I know has to constantly debate other “mommies” (everyone knows this type of competitor) about why she does not want any more kids after having two. Apparently having two boys just isn’t perfect because she doesn’t have a girl. Poor woman. And shouldn’t they blame the dad for giving the wrong sperm?
This is fantastic, and I like the reason boiling down to “I don’t want kids.” I’m in the same boat. Fortunately the pressure from parents came off when sister had kids. However, it’s very frustrating that people assume I will have kids. “No kids? How long have you been trying? Have you thought about fertility treatments” Wow, jump to assumptions before I can say something. Also, my partner’s work dinners always end up with the other wives telling me about the good schools, where I should enroll the kids in kindergarten, how to handle pregnancy etc – giving me all the advice for the day I do get pregnant, even though they’ve never asked if I’m planning for kids. Why does everybody just assume I have to have children? Frustrating to hear the unsolicited child/fertility/pregnancy advice.
Maybe you could give them empty nest advice for then the kids are gone in 25 years and they need to find things to do as a couple?
Bravo! My wife and I both agreed to be childless, and the nagging from my coworkers is terrible! Our parents nagged for a bit, but they’ve come to understand that we don’t want kids (our cats are good enough for us!) at least.
If I want kids, I’ll borrow my nieces and nephews for a few hours. I don’t get how my sister can handle 3 kids, but that’s her choice, and bravo to her for being a good mom!
I appreciate having the decision for myself whether to have kids or not. Any group, religion, or whatnot that insists that you have kids (or not) is irritating.
NOT having kids is selfish? Sorry, but nobody has a baby for the baby’s sake. They do it for themselves. It is the ultimate selfishness to create another life, to ‘pass on your genes’ (which might not be so great to start with) to secure your immortality or other such twaddle.
You want to do something for a child’s sake? Adopt. Foster.
On the adoption/foster note, I’ve talked to one woman online who does not want to have her own kids, but is much more interested in taking care of other children. I think she’s afraid of passing on mental illnesses and diseases that run in her genes. I could see people still pressuring her about when she’ll “try for one of her own”… oy vey
Another Redirect from Friendly Atheist!
A friend of mine told me once how her parents had been married about 12 years before they had their first child. There was, of course, a never-ending stream of questions about when were they going to have kids. Until my friend’s mother faked bursting into tears and asking “What makes you think we haven’t been trying?” The questions stopped after that.
Great article-I’m a parent but I thoroughly appreciate your sentiments as mine used to be very similar. Hugely happy to be where I am now, but as far as I remember was happy before as well, so there you go. More importantly I think your entry has taught me to just shut the hell up if/when this situation arises with friends as this just reinforces for me that any and all aspects of other people’s reproductive choices simply are none of my business. Cheers for that!
Good article but I think in all honestly its one of those wars you’ll never stop fighting. And to be honest, having kids is like a lot of other things, that’s the way its been done for so long (find someone, get married, have kids, etc) that some generations can’t understand why you’d choose not to do it that way and its how so many people were raised they can’t think of a reason to not do it.
I have two good friends who each wanted kids but both suffered life changing illnesses and are now unable to have kids biologically. One has adopted two beautiful children and she’s one of the best moms I know. The other is happy now being married and childless.
I’m jealous in some ways of my friend without kids because she and her husband take vacations every year and don’t have to pay for kids, pack diapers, plan around school vacations, etc. They also are able to go out every Friday night with friends and have drinks and stay out as late as they want, never worrying about getting home to a sitter (let alone paying the sitter).
The thing I take issue with in your article is how you feel its insulting if someone says you don’t understand. You’ll never know the kind of feelings I have for my kids. Its not the same, I’m sorry. I am not saying my childless friend isn’t a fulfilled person, because she is amazing and wonderful and she is truly fulfilled. What I’m saying is you really can’t understand. Its not meant to be insulting, its the truth. Just as I’ll never understand how it feels to be so free without kids and that life long responsibility, you’ll never understand how it feels to have them. Its not an insult its the truth. If someone takes it personally then they aren’t being honest with themselves. No one is ever going to fully understand everything because no one can be everyone. I will never know what its like to be a man, that isn’t an insult, its the truth. I’m not saying its a feeling everyone must have or that anyone is less of a person for not feeling it but its one of those things you never really know how it feels until you do it. Ask any parent.
Again, just because I say this does not mean I have any issue with anyone who decides not to have kids. Its a choice and you have to make that choice for yourself. In fact, I applaud anyone who does make that choice – you should be proud of yourself for knowing what you want and doing it.
I just wanted to share the other side of the coin. I think a better answer to someone who says “you’ll never understand” is to say “yes, but as a parent you’ll never understand how it feels to be so free for your whole life.” Don’t take it as an insult, take it as fact and move on.
This is one of those debates that will never go away and even if it does, you’ll face another debate.
although your own attitude on the matter seems fairly enlightened, “you don’t understand” is most often not intended to express truth, but rather, to insult one’s intelligence.
I agree, somewhat. Its sad but true that is often how it is meant. I think however the best response would be to try to assume its not meant to insult someone but to assume its a harmless comment and then take the opportunity to enlighten the other party.
i could agree with that, however it’s more difficult to “turn the other cheek,” as they say, in practice.
why don’t my wife and i want kids? because they poop.
Luckily, my close friends and family don’t see it as an issue. But I still really hate it when other friends tell me at 25 that I’ll change my mind. As if at 25 I am incapable of making life decisions. How selfish am I for not wanting kids? So selfish that I’ve told both my best friends that if they couldn’t have kids, I’d surrogate for them.
First off SM, you don’t have some right to ask people you barely know when they will have kids (presumably your close friends will tell you if they don’t want kids, so you shouldn’t even ask stupid questions). Second, if they say they don’t want them, the ONLY appropriate response is ‘oh’. You don’t get to question, or criticize, or throw in your 2 cents. You shouldn’t even ask in the first place, but if you decide you have a right to know, you certainly don’t have a right to comment. And for me personally, I get a little defensive when people ask me and then comment because in the past, people have said some pretty stupid things. It is insulting to my intelligence when people tell me “I’ll change my mind when …”. I have known my whole life I don’t want kids and the only person I have to justify myself to is myself!
I respect that you don’t want kids. I think at 25 you probably won’t change your mind. You are an adult and can make adult decisions and that doesn’t make you selfish, in fact it would be ridiculous to have kids if you don’t want them! I think its far better if you know you don’t want them to refrain from having them rather than have them to meet others’ expectations. That is an adult decision. As for people who have hurt your feelings or disrespected your rights and opinions on the matter I’m sorry for that but please don’t lump me into that category. Reread what I wrote above and you’ll see I understand that preference. Unfortunately you live in a world where whenever you make a choice that is considered a break from status quo you have to justify it, even if you don’t feel like you should have to, its the world we live in. I’m not justifying anyone asking things they clearly shouldn’t I’m just saying you might want to grow a thicker skin if you want to live in the real world.
As for what you said about me, I would never in a million years ask anyone when and/or if they are having kids. Its none of my business. I deeply resent the accusation that I’m asking people I barely know if they want kids when I’m not. My two friends have brought up the issue with me, not the other way around.
As for me adding my opinion on this site I wanted to show support for this decision but point out some opinions on the matter that come from someone on the other side of the debate. Its a public site open to public comment so its fair game.
As for my friend, when I’m talking with my best friend of 20 years who is telling me about not wanting to have kids I feel free to express my opinions on the matter. She and I have the kind of relationship where we can talk about things like this in an adult manner and respect each other’s feelings, thoughts and attitudes. I don’t think in this case just saying ‘oh’ is the only appropriate response. In fact I honestly feel she would be upset if I just said ‘oh’ and didn’t offer my questions and comments. I certainly have never criticized her for that decision. Its rude and uncalled for.
Lastly, I’m sorry if you feel as though people insult your intelligence when they say you’ll change your mind. Certainly at 25 you might not change your mind and that is fine, its your decision. I have to wonder who is asking you all the time if you want kids if they know it bothers you so much. I suggest a better response for you next time it comes up would be ‘its none of your business’.
These are the kind of conversations that are the best for learning and expressing views. I have many friends who do not agree with me on many issues, but if we can talk about it, listen well, and support one another, we all grow and become better friends and members of society. Plus, it’s healthy to have people around you who aren’t like you!
this issue broke my ex and me up. she decided she wanted to have kids because i did. i wasn’t pressuring her. i’d gotten to the point where i’d even stopped talking about having kids at all. i think she figured that once she had a kid, she’d change in her attitude to parenting. it didn’t happen. when she got pregnant with the 2nd one, she considered getting an abortion. that mortified me. intellectually i am 100% for a woman’s right to choose. but faced with an actual baby coming, i don’t think i would’ve stayed if she had. so yeah, i gave her some pressure about that.
i suppose she should’ve had it, because having kids really didn’t change her idea of parenting. while having kids made me incredibly happy, the kids were a burden for her. she was much more interested in her own life.
so what broke us up was that we now had these 2 kids, and she was pretty much ignoring them. i could see that was hurting them. if we hadn’t had kids, we would still be together. i still love her and like her as a person. and fortunately, we’re still friendly.
oddly enough, she has turned out to be a fantastic weekend parent. because she doesn’t have to deal with the day-to-day shit that goes on with kids, when she does have time with them, she really enjoys it and so do the kids.
people think it’s strange for a dad to have custody. it’s just that some people shouldn’t have kids. and i totally respect that. now that it isn’t affecting the kids, we’re both a lot happier.
I appreciate your story a lot because it’s a perspective we don’t see very often. Much of the emphasis is on how women are naturally maternal and how men are the distant parents who have to be convinced into having kids. This is clearly not the case here.
I’m very sorry the issue of children broke up your marriage, and I hope your kids always feel loved and cherished no matter how a parent’s difficulty affected the family balance. Sounds like you’re giving them just what they need!
Yeah, that crap about changing your mind later? Only happens if you want it to or let it. I’m over 40. I’ve been with my husband since we met over 20 years ago. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, but not necessarily with children. That never did change. I kept waiting for that day everyone told me would come when that biological alarm would go off and I’d panic about not having kids. The only difference is now people give me less guff about not having kids in tow. They assume instead that I have adult children, so that part gets easier. When people find out I don’t have any, however, they immediately assume there’s something wrong with me biologically. I used to correct that, but that gets very old so I just let them think what they want now.
As far as selfish, I find that epithet to be hilarious. There’s a lot of bad parenting out there and it often gets unwittingly shared with me since I look like a modern update of Donna Reed. There’s a lot of good parenting out there, too, and many of my friends with kids are happy to share them with me- which is really the best of both worlds. I love kids, in a nice measured dose. The rest of the time, I believe I’m probably as smug about being child-free as parents are about having them.
Not wanting to have children is definitely not selfish. I think in earlier times we might have said that it was an incredible sacrifice to willingly forgo having children.
As a newly-minted father I feel justified in saying it is an act of the highest order of selfishness to create and raise a child. I can’t pretend otherwise. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, and I’ve only known her a few weeks.
We have evolved over millions of years to be really really good replicating machines. If ever there was a “why” to life, replicating yourself is it. Giving into this need means mentally putting aside the broader implications of bringing a child into the world or the limitations to one’s own ambitions. But honestly, it was easy. I’m a human, and humans reproduce. Millions of years of evolution have made us thus.
So, I created a child with my wife. We didn’t do it for any reason other than ourselves, and it feels very human.
Congratulations on your daughter’s arrival! I’m sure you’ll have many years of enjoyment ahead of you. Very human indeed.
I made the choice when I was 24 (great noodly appendage — 18 years ago). I decided that there were too many people and that my (then) wife would’ve been a terrible mom. Also that birth control is less fun than none.
Met my second wife and she can’t have babies (cancer).
That cancer card shuts the breeders up in a heartbeat.
I’ve always thought childfree by choice was a good choice for the planet as a whole (over population and such). I do have a kid, but I’m probably stopping at one (which horrifies some people) and I really had to think about it with the husband before we did. We also prepared ourselves and agreed we’d be happy if we didn’t have any children, or that if we only had one.
I have two friends who are childfree by choice, and one friend who probably won’t have kids.
They’re still my friends and while at the moment I don’t have anything else to talk about really (he’s still little enough to take up most of my life) I try to talk to them about THEM rather then my kid, and be interested in what’s happening in their lives.
I suppose some parents are jealous of their child free friends because they have options and choices that close when you have kids. So they try to guilt their friends by saying “Oh you may have freedom and fun and money but *I* have a baby so I’m better then you” in a pathetic attempt to transfer their jealousy.
I was boring before I had a kid so I haven’t suffered any jealousy and I actually realized limits would be put on me by having a kid and thought out my choice. That means I can enjoy my friends stories and enjoy listening to them, and they can have a cup of coffee with me without me expecting them to hold my baby or listen to stories about his poo. (Stories about him being sneaky and clever getting the best of me they do seem to like however)
Bascially? I think it’s a valid choice and really dislike people who get knee jerk reaction about it.
When I got married my only childless Aunt came up and she gave me the “its okay to not have children”speech. I don’t want to have them right now and most likely ever but I think some people think there must be something “wrong” with me.
I’m 25 and single. Sex and marriage never interested me and I can’t stand being with children, unless they sit in a corner and stay quiet or when they are asleep.
The people I work with are married and have children and always talk about wanting to have more children. They frequently tell me that I’ll change my mind about marriage and children when I meet the right man, or something along those lines. I don’t really care if they have more children or whatever. It’s none of my business. What’s annoying is that these same people constantly whine about not having extra money and time for themselves because of their children. I just don’t get it… They try to convince me that I would get some benefit out of having kids then constantly whine about problems in connection with their kids.
As for my parents, I flat-out told them that I did not have plans of getting married and having kids. As expected, they were disappointed because I’m their eldest child and they really want to have grandchildren. They gave the usual “if it’s god’s will…” speech and as usual, I just ignored it.
I certainly can remember the “before” time of my life when I had no kids (thought I couldn’t have them and even if I could, I thought I’d be a terrible parent). I didn’t become a mom until I was 28 and it was a pleasant surprise.
I distinctly remember my mother “hoping to be a grandmother” one day prior to my first and loathing it. She had me when she was 17 and I had no intention of carrying on the tradition. I managed to make it 10 years without children and had a fabulous time. Now I have three kiddos and my life has taken a totally different but fabulous turn.
So, I guess I can see and remember both sides of the coin. Kudos to you in your choice and your strong conviction!
I’m in about the same position as you. Right now, with who I am now and who I have been for the last 32 years I do not want kids or not enough to actually do it. I’m married to the love of my life and even he has a child from a previous marriage but I’m not sure motherhood is what I meant to do. I realize I might change my mind someday but I’ll address that if it ever comes. Great post, I love reading other like-minded women who feel the same as I do.
.-= Robin’s last blog ..Is This My Life? =-.
I came across this blog entry entirely by coincidence, googling something entirely unrelated. THANK YOU for writing something so sensible and I can SO relate to this. I have heard pretty much all the cliches of ‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older/the right guy comes along/when it’s the second Tuesday of the month and a full moon’.
I don’t want kids. I don’t like kids. It’s like some people don’t like broccoli, or some people don’t like swimming. People’s response to this often is ‘but you were a kid once’ – I completely fail to understand this logic, it’s like saying to the broccoli-hater ‘but you ate broccoli once’.
One of my favourite phrases is ‘You don’t want kids? I’m surprised because you’re so nice and good at looking after people’. Yes, sorry, I forgot, not liking kids and not wanting kids DOES actually mean I am the anti-Christ. Must pay more attention in future.
Other people are very welcome to have children and I am happy for them and I see it makes them happy. I’m pretty happy that my parents had me!
It’s just not something I am interested in, I’m too selfish, too impatient to deal with something that cannot explain to me what it wrong and I like my life too much. I have a great deal of respect for people who can do it, but it’s not for me. As the original author, I would never be so presumptuous as to say ‘never’ because one really just does not know. But I am 28 now and the maternal instinct has not kicked in, even the ‘oh babies are so cute’ gene evaded me, so I think it’s pretty unlikely. Of course it’s all bound to change when I meet the right guy if some people are to be believed…
Welcome, welcome! And thank you for contributing your own perspective.
You made me consider some more. I actually think a lot of kids are super cute and hilarious. Babies are adorable! They’re built physically in a way that makes them appear innocent, sweet, and lovable. So are puppies, kittens, and other new animals. Biology rocks!
I don’t even mind hearing about their achievements, issues, and whatnot. I just don’t want one of my own!
Even if I did feel some sort of urge to have a baby, that wouldn’t mean I should have one. It also wouldn’t mean I would act on it and try to conceive just because I had some sort of “left out” feeling. It would be a measured choice between me and my partner even then. And we may still decide not to go for it. I don’t think a lot of people grasp that sometimes.
I’ve made it to the ripe old age of 47 without kids and I feel not the slightest regret. On the contrary. There are lots of reasons, I think, and chief among them for me is that my wife and I both want our marriage to survive and be happy and functional and this takes quite enough time by itself (I don’t know a single couple with kids whose marriage has not suffered considerably–but they put up with it “for the good of the kids”).
In the end, you either feel the urge or you don’t. We talk about kids, and have for 12 years now (she is adopted, and we talk about that possibility) but we always conclude that life is really good and there’s no ‘problem’ which kids would be needed to ‘fix.’
Life is really, really good; what’s not to like?
.-= wunelle’s last blog ..How to Make Glenn Beck Even Funnier =-.
My husband and myself have no children and we have been married 40 years this year. We were expecting a baby about 30 years ago but unfortunately i miscarried. Afterwards i suffered ssvere depression for over 2 years and i had a terrible time of it. We decided not to go in for another baby as i just couldn’t face that happening again. We were never that deperate for children we enjoyed life with just us two really. We are not sorry about our decision at all when we look around and see our friends children and the way some of them have turned out drugs, drink, teenage uunmarried mothers. But i think some people are very tactless in this area they go on about how lovely it is to have children and how they are a family. Aren’t people without children a family too. I have distanced myself from my sister-in-law who is one of those type of people when we met she always brings up about children and i think this is nasty she doesn’t know people’s circumstances. Just because she thinks it is the best thing since sliced bread it doesn’t mean we all do. I think some people are envious of the people without children as they have more freedom without the ties that children bring.
Thank you for this post. I intend on writing about my choice to be child-free just as soon as some key people in my life know about it (from me, in person). My husband and I arrived at this decision after a lot of thinking — there was no going back and forth, no “what ifs”, no drama or feeling of inadequacy or incompleteness. It was a reasoned out decision — we even gave ourselves some time to see how we’d react to our closest friends having kids. We love babysitting, but love it even more when the kids go home. Plus the charm goes away once their “cuteness” goes away. It’s the right decision for us. And that really is what matters.