Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)
There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”
Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.
Why I’m Childfree
I don’t want kids.
That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.
Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.
If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member
If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.
Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.
Avoid these common phrases or arguments:
- You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
- Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
- When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
- Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
- We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
- It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
- But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
- I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
- You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]
Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.
Why Are Childfree People Mean?
We’re not!
Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.
Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!
I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.
Kids in My Future
Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.
This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”. It means I am not bull-headed enough to say “never”.
To My Fellow Childfree Friends
If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!
If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.
Chris on 
Bill the Heathen on 
jabran on 
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I know I’m super late coming to this, there’s already 83 comments, but I’m of the exact same mind of you on this. Things are a bit different for me since I’m a guy and having children isn’t seen as part of my worth as a person; but nonetheless my mother is really pushing me on it. Just the other day my grandmother got really upset when I told her that I didn’t want kids. “But you have a duty! You have to have a boy and a girl to replace you and your wife! You must have children, they’re such a blessing.”
I don’t want to sacrifice the next 18-20 years of my life to having a kid just because somebody else is projecting their wishes on me. My mother desperately wants to be a grandma some day, but at the same time she’s afraid that I won’t “let my kid have any fun” because I’m an atheist. <.< (ie, no easter bunny, no santa, no toothfairy)
Oh dear. That would get old really fast. Stick to your guns! I’m sure they can figure out some other way to enjoy themselves besides living vicariously through years and years of your life as a parent.
And who says that atheist kids don’t get to have fun, anyway?
Still, I fully support the choice to be child-free. I would probably have had children if I had found the right mate within the right period of my life and if a few other things had been different. However, a dozen or so years ago, I realized that fewer and fewer women in my age group wanted (more) kids, and I also realized that I was okay with that.
Now that I am married (to an atheist woman, which fits well given that I am also atheist), I have two step daughters. My mother would like to know them as step-granddaughters (they are 23 and 20 as I type this), but their lives don’t let them do much with my mom.
To all: You don’t have to go to lengths to defend your choice. It’s your choice, and it’s valid as it stands. Anyone who demands that you defend your choice is not being good to you.
i am late to this as well but it is a subject near and dear to me!
someone on the first page made this comment…
“I think, though, that this could be taken a step or so further. I’ve got the one kid, a boy. And it seems that everyone I meet wants to know WHY I don’t have more than one child. So not only am I expected to have kids, but there’s an expectation for multiple children now.”
i don’t know why people feel the need to pressure and demean women who choose to have one child. it doesn’t end there either. i am an only child (26 years old now) and i STILL hear snide comments about being an only child. the stereotype of the lonely and spoiled only child needs to end!
i am child free by choice. i thought if i did ever choose to have a child, it would be 1. i heard much of those useless things like the selfishness and ignorance and the you will change your mind later. maybe i will, maybe i won’t but it is far from being selfish and ignorant. i have a cousin who has 2 kids and said that she can’t imagine waiting till you are in your 30s to have kids because it is “so great” and “waiting would be selfish.” all i could do is sigh and slyly roll my eyes.
I know I’ve used the “spoiled only child” stereotype before. It is a shame, and it doesn’t get challenged very often.
Hi, I’m here via BlagHag and I’m reading through your blog with much smiling and head nodding
) I’m from across the pond but the journey from religious belief to atheism is similar whatever your accent.
Just had to post a comment as this resonates so much. The “you’ll change your mind” drives me to distraction. I’m 36 and I’ve felt this way since before I could properly articulate the feeling. I always feel like asking, “how come you know my mind better than I do?”
Right, I’m off to read my way through your archives
Welcome, welcome
So glad to have you!
Typical guy here, never even cared about having kids, sex yes, kids no. I can see from what some of my friends have gone through that it’s better to be childless than to have a kid you don’t see but pay for with over 1/3 of your take-home pay.
I have to say I’m amazed at how some people’s faith allows them to sleep with multiple people, do drugs and booze it up but yet when they get pregnant they draw a line in the sand and say that their god disapproves of abortion. I can only assume that god must be ok with all the other stuff.
Oh gosh tell me about that. My other favourite is people who won’t have sex before marriage. Get married young, divorced and then when single, have sex outside marriage, like it only counts the first time! (for a celebrity example see Simpson, Jessucka)
I have never read anything that more accurately expresses exactly how I feel. I don’t need to have kids, and I don’t need to get married. What is society’s obession with judging another’s happiness just because they walk a different (and non-dangerous) path? Humans are not an endangered species. This “greater good” crap needs to stop.
On that note, so does the “marry a rich man so he can support you and the future children” bollocks. It’s detrimental to my (and anyone’s, I would imagine) self esteem to hear constantly from my family that I need another person to take care of me. How, oh how, will I manage to make it by without a rich man? Oh wait, my own career will do. I almost forgot. ;P
Sigh.
Go team, go.
I’m glad we share the same thoughts on this, and I hope you don’t receive a lot of pressure to follow someone else’s expectations ofr how to live your life.
I would like to compliment you on your clear and level-headed thinking, particularly regarding your comments about kids in the future.
My husband and I have been married for ten years now and we are convinced that our decision to not have children has been the right one. We are however surrounded by relatives and friends who have young children and most of them assumed we would be starting a family anytime soon. Initially, we tried to explain our point of view but were met with disbelief and at times derision so we learned to just smile and not discuss the topic.
Now that my biological clock is “rapidly” running out, a few of my friends are getting really anxious about our lack of offspring and with the best of intentions trying to urge us to have at least one child without further delay! Although we understand their concern,we see no reason to argue or try to justify a decision which to us is extremely personal and not a topic for general debate.
Still, given the circumstances, I just searched the internet on a whim and was pleasantly surprised to find a number of websites concerning this topic. You have impressed me by your balanced and mature comments. It’s really nice to know that there are other people who truly understand.
Best wishes.
I have 2 female relatives in their 50′s who made this choice- the POWER women of the 70s went for their careers and now are older and childless and sad.They are REGRETFUL and depressed about this choice. You may regret it or you may not. I guess you will find out someday..
Anna, I’m nearly 50. I chose to be childless when I was a teen in the 1970s and I’m over the moon about it, even now.
Those who try to guilt-trip me over my choice to be childfree are invariably deeply angry at themselves for not being brave enough to make the choice I did and are resentful of my comparative freedom.
Trophy Housemate, whom I’ve spent a bit over a decade with, does have a wonderful adult daughter (Dot) who is now in her mid-20s. I got a taste of parenting via Dot, from age 14 to her departure at 21. However, I am not and never was cut out to be a parent. I struggled with parenting and didn’t do it terribly well- because I simply didn’t want to be a parent.
However, I was, and remain supportive of Dot- and am more a father to her than her biological father ever was. Dot calls me for help and counsel, never her biodad.
The concept might be foreign to you, but being childfree is not only a valid life choice but is often the right one. About 1/3 the people I know who have had children probably should have chosen to be childfree.
That is nice that you dont want children. You might as well not if you dont want them. I think its a mess how some go around having 12345 children with differnt fathers and letting them have a messed up life from day one. I am thankful I have 6 children, and I raise them to know the Lord Jesus Christ, the creator of this world. I bet your Mom is glad she had you! =-)Merry Christmas.
I hope your 6 children never have cause to resent you for inflicting religion on them. With some luck, if not a public school education, they’ll have found out the truth about the big bang, abiogenesis and evolution, even without your help.
“That is nice that you don’t want children”
Huh?
I don’t see why you feel the need to make a judgement call on whether or not it is “nice”. Is it also “nice” to HAVE (biological) children? I wouldn’t know, so I wouldn’t be compelled say something of that nature to you. You may have known what it was like to be childfree in younger years, but you do not know what it is like to remain childfree due to complete lack of desire.
I am a 25 year old woman. In the past I have worked countless hours in daycare, babysitting, and camp counseling (at Kansas Bible Camp, no less!!) and have now become a second mother/live-in au pair to a 14 year old boy. He and his young friends are my focus. When they are 18, perhaps I will seriously consider procreating. But since all people have such a large mission in life, and because there are so many already alive that need our help, I may still remain (biologically) childfree even after my little boy has left the nest- instead of making more people.
12,345 children is a lot of children. But I fail to see why you make a big deal about them having ‘different fathers’. That has little bearing in a childs future happiness (can you tell I put more weight into nurture than nature?) Children are here and are to be mentored by all, regardless of who threw their DNA into the mix.
I also don’t see how “your mom is glad she had you” makes any sort of point. The author is not talking about whether or not she would be glad she had kids. She is talking less out of sentiment and more out of intelligent pragmatism, I think. It could just be me, but you seem to come across as pretty indignant.
And yeah the religion thing is kinda creepy.
Dear GG
I’ve two kids, love them to death, and wanted to say that I do agree with you. The truth about raising children is that its a massive commitment, requiring the dedication of decades of your life and huge amounts of capital. The goal, as I see it, is to produce productive members of society that have the skills to be creative, independent, and happy. Liking you (the parent), isn’t guaranteed or even likely. The best you can hope for is that by the time they hit 30, it dawns on them what pissy little shits they have been all these years.
Contributing to society, especially the next generation, is what’s most important. Erikson would describe it as “Generativity”. Its sad to think that if you are not having children, then you are automatically selfish. I give my kids a lecture every now and then where I tell them I have only three expectations of them. Beyond that, they are free to make any choices they want. 1) They have to be able to support themselves. If you can’t take care of yourself first, then you can’t care of anyone else. 2) They have to support other people. It might be their own kids, but it doesn’t have to be. I expect them to look beyond the limits of their own existence and take responsibility for other people and care of them. 3) They have to contribute to society. I want them to ask themselves: What can I advance? How can I be the change I want to see in the world?
Truth is, the world doesn’t need more people. The horrible truth is that it has too many.
I love this, really. Awesome lesson to learn throughout a lifetime!
For me it’s pretty easy – everybody hates me, so they don’t bug me for being childfree because they think it would be bad for the child anyway.
I don’t hate you! Do what you think is best despite what you think others feel
LOL
You have such an awesome website, I read a few articles and they’re all so well-written and so reasonable and reason-guided, if you will!
I absolutely agree! I do feel some pressure from some people in my family and I remember my aunt telling me that I have to have a child, because I will “fulfill my duty as a woman”.
When I was 18, I was quite sure I will have children or adopt some, but now, the older I get, the more I realize I do not want children. And I do know a great deal about them. I worked in a kindergarten, as a babysitter for years, and I pretty much took care of my young cousins sometimes for weeks at a time. I love children, but I don’t want any of my own and I love the fact that I found this.
Somehow the society I lived in before moving to London has made me despise myself for not wanting to “be a real woman”. So you see, this article has helped me so much!
Thank you!
It’s all about choice.
When I was 13, I made the choice to not have any kids til I was 30. I nearly succeeded, my son came along just two months shy of my 30th birthday. Mission more or less accomplished. Having seen both sides of the coin, there are merits and drawbacks to each, and I can certainly understand why someone would decide to be kid-free. Me? My son is the greatest thing I’ve ever done with my life, and I wouldn’t take his conception, birth, and life back for anything.
If you ever do get around to the kid scene, I think you’ll make an excellent mom. If not, no worries, I most certainly won’t judge you differently. If there’s anything we Atheists are in favor of, it’s personal choice, and the respect of another’s choices in their own personal life.
“You just don’t understand.” Not just insulting, but ridiculous. “Don’t understand…what?” the childless person might ask, and then wait for an answer. “Don’t understand how biology works? If that’s what you think, why do you want such an ignorant person as me becoming a parent? And if I’m not ignorant, if I’m as smart and capable and competent as you suggest, with the aim of qualifying me as ‘good parent material,’ then I’m obviously smart enough to know what works for ME in MY life. Can’t have it both ways.”
Outing yourself as a “childfree” atheist is quite brave. Good luck.
For years, I drove around Tampa Florida with a bumper sticker that outed me as a member of American Atheists. I’m fairly sure I got out of a speeding ticket that way. But when I decided to move back home to North Carolina, and my cousin dared me to keep the sticker, I didn’t do it. I don’t have a death wish. Oh, and I moved back home childless, too. I must be evil.
I see you have a bunch of comments on this old post already, but here’s my “excuse”:
Everyone I know, my age (20s), grown-up, old people, who are happy and have a child, had that child after they had been together for more than 5 years. Everyone who’s divorced/split up, had the kid (or worse KIDS) before those 5 years.
As long as I have not been with someone for at leat 5 years, I refuse to bear a child with them. Simple math and logic, people!! And discussing this with other people, they see a similar pattern with their friends and family too. Of course, some are still happy and had a kid after 4 years and the opposite, but in general, 5 years.
I was 18, had lived with a guy for 2 months, known him for 7 months, and people started to ask me “when?!”… and I was shocked. “I DON’T KNOW HIM YET!”.. “but you live with him!” “SO?”…. That’s the only reason I really need.
Parents need to know each other, have a little fight or two, hard times and good times, and see if they come out together after 5 years. Bringing a child in to that mess is irresponsible.
And guess what? The guy I lived with? 3 years. If we had that child after 7 + 9 months, it would be a divorce-child by now.
Thank you so much for writing this blog post. Again, coming to this article late but I was doing a google search on this topic tonight. I’ve been grilled before by my family for not wanting kids. Ugh. Not a pleasant experience. I’ll make sure to link people to this post if they ever feel like giving a big hullabaloo about it all again.
I’d say parenting is just too damn important to do if you don’t really really REALLY want that. If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all. And if you don’t have that desire, you won’t do it right, so don’t bother.
I decided in my teens that I didn’t want children. When I got my vasectomy at age 26, I had not made any babies. Now I’m 48 and I’m still glad to have chosen childlessness. It’d be a better world if more people did the same. (But not everybody, LOL and all that crap.)
Oh hey, I just remembered that Jesus chose to remain childless, unless you believe Dan Brown.
I knew at an early age I did not want children. I could not justify bringing life into an already overly populated world. Everyday, millions struggle for the basics of food, water, shelter, medical needs. Why would anyone want to continue the cycle of hardships by conceiving new life? I have been called selfish, a taker, someone who cares only for my needs. Untrue. I am actively involved in humanitarian causes. I do not own a lavish home, drive a luxury vehicle. My life is not empty, void, depressed. I hold two advanced degrees & my days are filled working at a job I love. Plus, I hold no validity to, “Godly duty, God’s will, Gift From God.” I do not hold any belief in a God. And no, I am not a bitter, miserable person with a God in my life. I am quite content with who I am.
“We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?”
Yeah. We are also biologically designed (if we look at our close primate relatives) to slaughter the previous offspring of our mate by a different male.
Why fight it?
Maybe we should pass a law that all stepfathers have the right to kill their stepchildren.
Stumbled across this post, have been happily reading along, and I agree wholeheartedly with this article. Although I believe my mum is now resigned to me not having children, I think my dad still has hope. I’m not sure why, I’ve never shown any particular affection toward children, and my sister is dying for a nephew or niece. I told her to go adopt some. I see so many of my friends and acquaintances who followed the expected path, got married, had kids…and aren’t happy. Why would they be, when I’m not sure they ever considered an alternative. It makes me wonder whose life they’re leading (the one their parents wanted them to?) and why.
A few years ago I decided to donate my eggs, figuring I wasn’t using the things, someone else may as well.
I’ve been a lot more upfront about being childfree than godfree, think the latter would finish my mother off completely!
Anyway, time to finish trawling the archives…
It’s funny, I remember when I was in high school I told a classmate I didn’t really want kids. She called me an asshole and said how could you not want kids? What are you going to do? Be alone and have lovers? When I said yes jokingly, she was like “oh, ok.”
Ironically, I do want kids now, but I still remember that conversation. Why are people so obsessed with our bodies and what we choose to do with them? Why aren’t we allowed to change our minds, and why are we at the same time so expected to change them if it doesn’t agree with expectations?
Children are both a gift and a burden. I see parents look so exhausted just dealing with them on a daily basis; that look of exhaustion is on me between work and school, I can’t imagine what it will be like when I actually have kids. While I can see them as precious, I also see them as self-indulgent “creations” of ourselves, sites where we can project our fantasies and unaccomplished dreams. Contrary to the opinion that not having kids is selfish, I actually find having kids has its own selfish aspects. Parents do put in so much hard work and effort into raising their kids, but some parents are selfish in their motives and intentions. Some don’t raise their kids with the hope of raising a free-thinking, critical thinker. They raise their kids hoping they will follow their worldview and continue their cultural and religious traditions (i.e. my parents), believing that their way is the way to true happiness. This is the most selfish aspect of parenthood and I think every parent has the potential to fall into this trap. I only hope we reform this model of parenthood before we actually decide whether we want to be parents or not.
I really don’t get why people nag other people to pressure them into reproducing. I mean, if I *did* have/want kids, I’d encourage all other people (except close relatives of course) to be childfree – it’s the sensible choice, to eliminate competition.
That said, I’m childfree because I have deleterious traits. But if I was genetically sound (note: that does *not* mean I’m a mixed breed, it just means I’m myopic and a carrier for multiple sclerosis, thanks for wondering), and I had reasonable financial background to raise kids in securely, I’d of course do my duty to family and country by having 5-6 of “little mes” around. (It’s even on the money: “common interest before self-interest”!)
Dear GodlessGirl,
Sorry, I know this article is from a long time ago, but this was linked on my friend’s blog and I happened to stumble across it ^.^ I will be honest: I don’t agree with you, on matters of faith or childbearing, but I _do_ fully agree with you having the freedom to choose whether or not to, and would fight for your’s and others’ right to in a heartbeat. However, my experience with ‘childfree’ people is that they typically hate children, and scorn parents and families. I’m not saying they are all jerks (you most certainly are not!), but I do wish I knew why some are.
Personally, I am a Christian (originally Presbyterian, converted to Roman Catholic), pray for more children (5 so far!) and am unmarried. Admittedly it can be incredibly difficult, exhausting, worrisome and obviously stressful especially as a working single parent, but my children have brought more joy into my life than I ever could have ever dreamed of before them.
I think you might need to meet more childfree people. Or perhaps, you know people who simply haven’t told you they’re childfree.
I am also an atheist (christened, received First Communion, and a confirmed Catholic at 16), but I raised my nieces when their mother decided she wasn’t up to the challenge, and currently live at home to care for my disabled mother. Still think I “hate” kids and “scorn” families?
Also, if you’re a good Catholic you should not be unmarried with 5 kids (barring spousal death). Judge not, as they say.
Thank you so much! I’m a 25 year old female in a relationship with a wonderful man. But, it seems that very few people can understand that marriage and children are not on our agenda anytime soon (or perhaps ever). The minute I’ve expressed my desire to NOT have children (or at least not any of my own, although I may consider adoption eventually) I am bombarded with, “Oh, yes, I used to be young and independent and selfish once…but now I have children and it has changed my life.” I don’t consider myself any more “selfish” than a woman who choses to have a child because it is “expected” or who treats her child as a cute accessory. Some of my closest friends are discovering new parenthood, and I respect them and love them for that because I know they will be good at it. But, for me, I’m exhausted of explaining and re-explaining myself to people who have “already figured me out” and labeled me as “selfish” or “too young and will change your mind later.” Are there any good, non-threatening ways to defend yourself in these situations? Thanks again for your article.
Another late comer here.
I’m not at all surprised this post has produced a large number of responses and its been interesting reading through them all.
I am familiar with the curse of the over-enthusiastic child promoter, its often well meaning but usually not very well considered. Sometimes those who encourage pro-creation can be downright offensive, as I found out many years ago when it was apparently dictated that its a Christian’s duty to have children.
My wife and I enjoyed 10 years of marriage before having our daughter and quite frankly I think those 10 years made us better people. It gave us a chance to mature our relationship and I would say we are both much better parents as a result.
Stepping into parenthood was the most scary thing I have ever done, but I wouldn’t undo it for anything.
I hope that I am able to be as respectful of others choices as I wished my wife and I had been, all that nagging and asking of ‘when’ was truly horrid.