Masturbation is a Sin! Unless…

Trees are so hot. I just want to hump one right now. Like this guy!

Or maybe… not.

This facebook conversation could have been stolen from one of many a debates I had with other Christians when I was in college. We discussed the topic of masturbation more than anyone should. As you may know, the question “how far is too far?” is more than popular with those battling  raging hormones.

A consensus on whether masturbation was sinful or permissible was hard to come by; but in the end, a middle ground was reached that still let people pleasure themselves, but gave it a nice “sinless” protective barrier. So long as you did not lust and go against what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:27-28, you were not sinning. However, if you fantasized or involved anyone else in the act, you were a dirty sexual deviant.

The idea that someone could masturbate without shame or sin is extremely popular with the young adult crowd. Christianity is calling you a nasty sinner if your hands explore your golden chalice/divining rod/pick your own name–even as your natural (supposedly created by god) body is telling you yes, yes YES! So how do you escape the thought police and still have that tremendous, shuddering release? Think about trees; imagine taking a Chemistry final; recite something you’ve memorized… and my personal favorite: pray!

Yes, I was actually told that if I prayed while I played, that god would keep me from sinning.

It didn’t help. In fact, that seems pretty fucked up to me.

Hey Christians, if any of you read this, here’s a tip:  If you want a healthy sex life in your future, don’t teach yourself early on that what comes naturally to you is shameful or dirty. Masturbation is just fine! And the mind is the most powerful sex organ you have. Don’t stifle it! And for goodness sake, don’t pray while you masturbate.

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13 Comments


  1. “If you want a healthy sex life in your future, don’t teach yourself early on that what comes naturally to you is shameful or dirty.”

    If I had taken this advice as a teenager, my life would be hella different today.

    Also, I totally own the shirt the guy is talking about! I wear it onstage when I perform: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Three-Ninjas/76046652794?ref=ts#!/photo.php?pid=4166370&id=76046652794

    I have been thinking that I should send the P4CM people a nice email about their shirt. It’s a great conversation starter like you wouldn’t believe. I would like them to know how much pussy that shirt has gotten me!

    Which isn’t actually true, but it would still be funny. To me.

  2. I have a list of why I will be going to Hell (if there was a Hell).

    Masturbation is way down on the list.

  3. I emailed the ministry that sells the ex-masturbater tshirt:

    I am a rapper out of the Seattle area, and I wear your ex-masturbater shirt when I perform. It’s a great ice breaker and opens up a lot of opportunities to talk about sex with girls. This shirt has gotten me laid more than I’d ever hoped possible, and I wanted to thank you. Your shirt has probably improved the quality of my life more than any other article of clothing I’ve ever worn.

    Sincerely,

    Jason “Three Ninjas” Brunet

  4. God’s Wrath on Unrighteousness
    18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. 19 For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. 20 For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. 21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

    24 Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, 25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

    26 For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; 27 and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

    28 And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. 29 They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, 30 slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32 Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.Romans Chapter 1

    Psalm 14
    For the director of music. Of David.
    1 The fool[a] says in his heart,
    “There is no God.”
    They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
    there is no one who does good.

    2 The LORD looks down from heaven
    on all mankind
    to see if there are any who understand,
    any who seek God.
    3 All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
    there is no one who does good,
    not even one.

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  6. Please encourage women to masturbate. How else are they supposed to know what they like and what they don’t. I contribute the high numbers of women who have “sexual distinction” in part, to the fact that women especially are taught to never do it. Please ladies, your future partner will thank you for it!

  7. women should be encouraged to masturbate. Our bodies are designed to enjoy sex. You have every right to know how your body works and what pleases you. I attribute the high rates of “sexual disfunction” among women, partially, to the idea that maturbation is a bad thing. Please enjoy yourself, both you and your future partner will benefit greaty.

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