‘Atheists Don’t Have No Songs’ (with Lyrics)

Comedian Steve Mar­tin grabbed the mic at the New Or­leans Jazz Fest on April 29, 2010. Together with The Steep Canyon Rangers, he shared what he called “the entire atheist hymnal” (on one page of paper). Hilarious!

Atheists Don’t Have No Songs (AKA The Atheist Hymnal)
Chris­tians have their hymns and pages,
Hava Nag­i­la’s for the Jews,
Bap­tists have the rock of ages,
Athe­ists just sing the blues.

Ro­man­tics play Claire de Lune,
Born agains sing “He is risen,”
But no one ever wrote a tune,
For god­less ex­is­ten­tial­ism.

For Athe­ists there’s no good news. They’ll never sing a song of faith.
In their songs they have a rule: the “he” is al­ways low­er­case.
The “he” is al­ways low­er­case.

Some folks sing a Bach can­ta­ta,
Luther­ans get Christ­mas trees,
Athe­ist songs add up to nada,
But they do have Sun­days free.

Pentecostals sing to heav­en,
Cop­tics have the books of scrolls,
Nu­merol­o­gists can count to seven,
Athe­ists have rock and roll.

For Athe­ists there’s no good news. They’ll never sing a song of faith.
In their songs they have a rule: the “he” is al­ways low­er­case.
The “he” is al­ways low­er­case.

Atheists don’t have no songs.
Chris­tians have their hymns and pages,
Hava Nag­i­la’s for the Jews,
Bap­tists have the rock of ages,
Athe­ists just sing the blues.

Catholics dress up for Mass,
And lis­ten to, Gre­go­ri­an chants.
Athe­ists just take a pass, Watch foot­ball in their un­der­pants.
Watch foot­ball in their un­der­pants.

Atheists don’t have no songs.

Performed live on April 29, 2010 by Steve Mar­tin and The Steep Canyon Rangers

 

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18 Comments


  1. Well, atheists do have a few songs. “Why Don’t Bees Go to Heaven” is a charming little ditty, for instance. The symphonic band Epica has recorded several atheist songs, and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for “Jesus He Knows Me” by Genesis.

  2. Yes. Atheists do have rock ‘n’ roll.

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  4. Does anyone remember Monty Python’s “All Things Dull and Ugly,” a parody of the sweet little children’s hymn sung in English chapels each school morning? (“All Things Bright and Beaufiful”)

    All things dull and ugly,
    All creatures short and squat,
    All things rude and nasty,
    The Lord God made the lot.

    Each little snake that poisons,
    Each little wasp that stings,
    He made their brutish venom.
    He made their horrid wings.

    All things sick and cancerous,
    All evil great and small,
    All things foul and dangerous,
    The Lord God made them all.

    Each nasty little hornet,
    Each beastly little squid–
    Who made the spikey urchin?
    Who made the sharks? He did!

    All things scabbed and ulcerous,
    All pox both great and small,
    Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
    The Lord God made them all.

    Amen.

    This is worth listening to with its innocent children’s voices to add to the satire, and is really far more clever theologically than the Steve Martin bit. Better rhyming and rhyme scheme, too.

  5. Funny, but a I think that Atheists have a great hymn: Imagine, by John Lennon.

  6. I always liked “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore” by Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys.

  7. My Methodist Church played the video during services yesterday.
    It was ‘music’ Sunday, and the theme was…uh, music… string theory, vibration, sound, and how we might say God used the “Word” – sound – to create matter.
    A bit over my head of course, but that’s God for you – a bit smarter than I am.

    Of course atheists have hymns – I thought of the ‘Internationale’.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Internationale

    Most everyone knows the power of and loves music.
    I wonder if the materialist and atheist communists who sang the Internationale ever gave thought to exactly what insubstantial, non-quantifiable, and non-material ‘part’ of them it was that was ‘inspired’ and moved by their hymn.

  8. I’ll field that one-its not insubstantial, its an arrangement of neurons! There you go. You can ditch the safety blanket and play grown up with the rest of us!

    • there you go..typical smug remark,like you know what an arrangement of neurons actually means.. ha ha.. more like derangement of morons

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