How to: Have your car cleaned overnight–for free!

It snowed quite a bit yesterday. A nice, fluffy sheet a few inches thick rested undisturbed on my car all day (hoorah for time off work to sit at home like a bump on a log!). I had heard a bit of rumble about the lunar eclipse, and since I was up in the middle of the night, I thought I’d go take a peek. Alas, the sky revealed nothing but solid gray, and no stars nor any moon was visible at all.

Not to be disappointed by weather, I decided to embrace an idea that sprang on me like a gazelle in heat (I hope they do that in real life). What if I wrote a little message on my windows to see what would happen? Many folks write phrases like “Jesus!” and “Wash me!” all over their cars. But what about something a bit more heathen?

no gods snow

4am is as good a time as any to spread the godless news!

Voilà! Happy with my snow art, I went back inside to bed.

Twelve hours later I decide to surface once again to take out the trash and see what happened to my car.

no god snow clean

Ta-dah! Free window cleaning!

Lo and behold, it appears that some kind person had brushed off the snow for me! What a sweetie. I’m starting to think this might be an easy way to scrape my car every morning. I could just get some offended passerby to clean it for free! Ah, godless genius.

Editor’s Note:

It has been suggested that natural causes, and not an intelligent agent, were at fault for my clean car the next day.

I don’t know who you intellectual elitists think you are, but I’m sure you’re just in denial that an Intelligent Scraper exists. Clearly he/she could be the only cause for this result. One day it was snowy, and the next day it was clean. Obviously we have a powerful, purposeful individual behind this. There can be no other explanation than the Intelligent Scraper!

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December 21, 2010  |  funny, god, personal



  2. See… I would have assumed it had just fallen off if you had just posted the pictures. Because around here, IF we ever saw that much snow (actually, in February this year we saw about that much, once) it would be mostly all melted by the next afternoon. Surely by 4pm it would all be gone.

    You have that one your care every morning??? Crazy stuff, that.

  3. I was rather disappointed that I couldn’t see the eclipse either. We got a bunch of snow that night here in Wisconsin too. I had my binoculars ready and everything.

    Perhaps the rest of the windows should have had “Women have the right to choose” and a Darwin fish eating a Jesus fish. Then all of your windows would have been wiped clean 😀

  4. Good way to get your windows cleaned, true. But might also be a good way to get your tires slashed. There’s just no telling with some religious folks.

  5. LOL. This really made me laugh. Godless genius! <3

  6. Be careful. One way to clean snow off is with a warm salty water mixture, like urine. If you come out one morning and your car is surrounded by yellow snow, you’ll know what happened.

  7. Just draw a penis. It’s quick, squeamish people will wipe it off for you, and no one will slash your tires because they will think that your car is the victim.

    Drawing penises works admirably at compelling people to clean anything, especially if their parents will visit. Draw them on dusty cabinets and tables, write them on the floor with PineSol, or write them on dirty mirrors by cleaning just that part; and always always leave the bottle of cleaner standing erect with two crumpled rags on either side.

  8. That is hilarious! Definitely do it again, and just to be polite, before you get out of your car, leave a paper note on the inside of the window saying “Thank you for cleaning the snow off of my car. I really appreciate it.” (add a little heart) So they’ll see it when they clean off the snow. Hee hee hee hee hee.

  9. Obviously the Intelligent Scraper exists, and loves you, and wants you to vote Republican, and will do your other window for a dollar.

  10. Guess you should be glad it wasn’t an Intelligent Window Breaker, Tire Slasher, or Paint Scraper.

  11. Hysterical.
    But, consider yourself lucky you didn’t get keyed! Around here you would have.
    Of course, around here we don’t get snow like that. :)

  12. Madame: you are an inspiration. Though Southern California has no snow, we do have dust, which accumulates on cars when you drive them off-road in the desert, and is often a real pain to get off. But you can write in it. I shall try this technique and report back at its success.

  13. Naively, if you want to test if it was deliberate or not wait until you have snow on both sides of the car. Add the slogan to only one side and see if just that side ends up clean. Obviously this would need iteration. The other minor issue is that to deal with issues about how the sun is facing (which might influence which side melted faster) you should test it with both sides of the car.

  14. Unfortunately this wouldn’t work in the backwoodsy sectarian shitehole where I live. Too rural. Doubt it’d even be seen before the morning. It actually reminds me of how in my younger, more bratty days I’d hock loogies on cars in parking lots with “Bush Cheney 04” or “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” bumper stickers.

  15. Sooner or later, Google will find all new spam
    methods. Dеѕріtе thе аѕѕurаnсе оf fооlрrооf рrіvасу рrоtесtіо
    n bу thеѕе ѕеаrсh еngіnеѕ, уо
    u ѕhоuld lооk іntо іt реrѕоnаllу.
    But it seems Memorial Day wasn’t important enough to Google.


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