What is it with the phrase “smoking hot wife” right now in protestant Christianity? Is this a fad I’ve missed out on since I’m:

  1.  Single?
  2. Atheist?

There are too many Christianese clichés to count, but this particular one catches me off-guard because it makes me picture two people rumpling the foreskin after church.

We get it folks; you want to show off how badass-naughty Christians can be. Obviously secular culture is just dirty and sinful in its sexuality and doesn’t have the firey burning love machine you have in your bed. Your smokin’ hot brides are giving you the best Jesus-blessing sex of your lives, right? Way to tease the singles though. Are you about to go home and get it on? Thanks for telling us about it. Jesus loves watching you make whoopie next to that cross on your wall.

Want to read a fabulous list of current Christian cliches even the believers hate? Check this out (and don’t miss the comments!). Here are some of my favorites:

love on, as in, “Let’s just love on these precious kids.”

Uhm… hi there.

just. This is a mild but pervasive example that peppers many prayers and is intended, I suppose, to express humility.

Christ-follower. A problematic trend in recent years is calling oneself this rather than a Christian. I understand the embarrassment the label Christian can cause when it aligns one with others who are not as smart, savvy, or theologically and politically progressive as oneself. (Yes, that was sarcasm, another language altogether).

Let us pray. “Dear Father God, we just come before you as Christ-followers. Just bless us today and just shower us with your cleansing rain and just forge us holy fire today, God. Oh Father God we just ask that your holy spirit just fills us up with your smokin’ hot love.”

Yeah, that probably happened at church yesterday.

Here’s one of the best prayers ever that uses a few of my favourite crazy Christianese phrases:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E8EYTyACQk

Thank you for giving me a stomach ache of joy, NASCAR. Oh, and Jesus. And this guy’s smokin’ hot wife. And Talladega NightsBuggity boogity boogity, AMEN!

 

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18 thoughts on “Smoking Hot Wives and Christian Prayer Clichés”

mspeir · July 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Seeing him, I wonder what she has to be thankful for.

godlessgirl · July 26, 2011 at 2:24 am

@mspeir Aw come on now, he’s a cute older guy!

mspeir · July 26, 2011 at 4:27 am

@godlessgirl Actually, I guess I can’t afford to be too critical. He’s got me beat. 😉

Dis>illusioned|Drew · August 9, 2011 at 9:44 am

The use of “just” is hilarious. I never thought about it before, but so true.

TennesseEMW · August 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Wonderful! Yes, “just” is now a plague. I think it’s used to imply that anything god does is SO simple, it won’t take up more than a millisecond of his time to answer a request during a prayer. Kind of like “Dad, can I have a dollar? Aw, c’mon, dad, it’s just a buck!”

During my 15 years as a Christian, “I’ve had a burden for you” rankled me more than anything. It was so pretentious, so jargony. To me, it always sounded like “I’m thinking of you and your problems, like I don’t already have ENOUGH to worry about, now I’ve got you as an extra weight on my shoulders!” How much simpler and straightforward to say “You’ve been on my mind lately.” All kinds of people say that. Why not try being normal once in awhile?

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