The Bible has the best (read: craziest) stories. Take Genesis 34 for example.
Backstory
Hebrew patriarch Jacob gets tricked into marrying his cousin, Leah, when he actually wanted to marry her sister Rachel. The girls become the original “sister wives.” Jacob also marries two of their servants so he can spawn more babies. Out of this, he gains 12 sons (the tribes of Israel) and a daughter named Dinah.
WTF? Genesis 34
TL;DR Dinah gets raped. Dicks are trimmed, men murdered, and families are enslaved.
This is fucked up, and the cat knows it.
Dinah is taking a tip to visit her girlfriends. The local ruler’s son Shechem thinks she’s smokin’ hot so he—of course—rapes her. I guess he had a good time, because he falls in love with her. The writer doesn’t give a damn about Dinah from here on out.
Shechem’s father Hamor asks Dinah’s father Jacob to let Shechem marry the girl he assaulted (remember, rape is okay in the Bible as long as you marry the girl after! See Deuteronomy 22:28-29). During the meeting, Dinah’s brothers come back from the fields and go apeshit about their little sister’s rape. Shechem says “Oops, my bad” and tells them he’ll do absolutely anything to marry this chick.
Hamor and Shechem offer to trade their own women to Jacob’s family for intermarriage as bargaining chips. They just have to purchase Dinah. Women are property. This girl must have some skills.
Dinah’s brothers are—understandably—really fucking angry about their sister’s rape. For revenge, they screw around with Hamor, demanding that every man in his town gets the tip of his penis cut off. You heard right—foreskins for a chick. For some demented reason, Hamor and Shechem agree to the deal and go order everyone to get circumcised. Poor blokes.
Three days later while all those penises are still sore (I love that this fact is included in the text, by the way), Jacob’s sons attack the town and murder every single male! KABLAMMO! They loot the place, snatching the herds and capturing all the women and children (who I’m sure were so thrilled that their family members were just murdered right in front of them!).
Jacob gets pissed because his sons make his social life more difficult.
THE END
Who is more fucked up in this story? Everyone except Dinah seems like a complete brutish arse. Read this to your kids at night and see what kinds of dreams they have.
What do you think about Near Death Experiences (NDE)? I’m extremely skeptical. Did a young boy see streets of gold, get serenaded by angels, sit in Jesus’ lap, and meet up with dead relatives while in Heaven? Did he find out about his mother’s miscarriage or see moments of Armageddon without ever hearing about them before?
And did God prove himself to be true by giving the family a book publishing deal?
Over time his visions became more believable. He described Jesus, and he even talked about Armageddon and how God told him his father would fight in the final battle. Although Todd was a pastor, he says he never talked detail like this with his preschool aged son.
How interesting that the visions this boy saw are exactly like the phrases used in the Bible. I don’t think that means the Bible is true; I think it means that a pastor’s son who was raised in Biblical teaching and who heard his father preach may have known about “streets of gold” and “Armageddon” before magically seeing them during a hospital stay. I’m not even sure a child would use phrases like “streets of gold” without hearing it before. Who says “streets of asphalt?”
What do you think?
I have a facebook friend whom I like very much, and who is a very sweet and loving person. One of her quirks, however, is that she greatly enjoys researching “end times” conspiracy theories, prophecies, and speculations. Some of her favorite topics involve the “mark of the beast,” Israel, and anything scary or chaotic in the world that could be interpreted as a sign of the apocalypse and Jesus’ return to earth. Was there political unrest, a suicide bombing, tornado, or flood? JESUS!
Here is an example of the way anything—no matter how innocent or commonplace—can be manipulated to fit a conspiracy theory:
Oh shit! Sesame Street is hinting at the end of the world! They’re preparing for disaster! JESUS!
In case you’re curious, here’s what was actually broadcast:
The public service announcement was sponsored by FEMA‘s site ready.gov.
Ready Kids is part of the Federal Emergency Management Agency’s Ready campaign, a national public service advertising campaign designed to educate and empower Americans to prepare for and respond to natural disasters, potential terrorist attacks and other emergencies. The Ready Kids web site features age-appropriate, step-by-step instructions on what families can do to be better prepared and the role kids can play in this effort. Ready Kids was developed in consultation with:
- American Psychological Association
- American Red Cross
- National Association of Elementary School Principals
- National Association of School Psychologists
- National Center for Child Traumatic Stress
- National PTA
- U.S. Department of Education
- U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Obviously, the effort to educate families means a natural disaster is coming that all of these government agencies know about in advance. Clearly Satan is at work in the world and Jesus will return soon to rule and judge us all.
These few passages from the Hipster Bible need to be expanded into an entire volume! It would be easily the best Bible translation since the LOLcats Bible and The Brick Testament.
rAmen!
(hat tip Trace)
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