What’s more adorable than a child imitating a ritual you’ve taught them? A child bossing around his or her friends so that they feel a social pressure to copy along.

Jesus texted the King James Bible? Wow, those are some powerful thumbs. I wonder if God uses autocorrect. I guess he didn’t care how much it would cost me to read it all. Verizon really over-charges, even for deities. It also reminds me of this guy:

By the way, if Jesus created deep dish pizza, couldn’t he have made it more healthy? It goes straight to my fat ass.

from youropenbook.org

So what do you think she’ll say if there is, in fact, a miscarriage?

How sad and scary for her. No wonder she clings so desperately to these convictions.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone repeat that damned clichéd quote, I’d turn a profit.

Trees are so hot. I just want to hump one right now. Like this guy!

Or maybe… not.

This facebook conversation could have been stolen from one of many a debates I had with other Christians when I was in college. We discussed the topic of masturbation more than anyone should. As you may know, the question “how far is too far?” is more than popular with those battling  raging hormones.

A consensus on whether masturbation was sinful or permissible was hard to come by; but in the end, a middle ground was reached that still let people pleasure themselves, but gave it a nice “sinless” protective barrier. So long as you did not lust and go against what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:27-28, you were not sinning. However, if you fantasized or involved anyone else in the act, you were a dirty sexual deviant.

The idea that someone could masturbate without shame or sin is extremely popular with the young adult crowd. Christianity is calling you a nasty sinner if your hands explore your golden chalice/divining rod/pick your own name–even as your natural (supposedly created by god) body is telling you yes, yes YES! So how do you escape the thought police and still have that tremendous, shuddering release? Think about trees; imagine taking a Chemistry final; recite something you’ve memorized… and my personal favorite: pray!

Yes, I was actually told that if I prayed while I played, that god would keep me from sinning.

It didn’t help. In fact, that seems pretty fucked up to me.

Hey Christians, if any of you read this, here’s a tip:  If you want a healthy sex life in your future, don’t teach yourself early on that what comes naturally to you is shameful or dirty. Masturbation is just fine! And the mind is the most powerful sex organ you have. Don’t stifle it! And for goodness sake, don’t pray while you masturbate.

And for those who preach against alcohol but want all the perks of a goofy buzz:

Bonus from Lamebook: