illustration by jessalyn aaland

You know the pattern: trolls infect message boards; disrespectful thoughts are voiced in comments; vile hatred and immature squabbling is shrugged off… all because this online world we both inhabit at this very moment (me writing, you reading) is considered an escape from reality.

Lovers and friends make acquaintances via dating sites, games, and social networks. A global conversation occurs over an electronic medium. Cultures collide, meld, and leak over into each other’s midst all without physical contact.

And still, we shrug off these situations (good and bad) like poor substitutes for living. You wouldn’t believe how many people do not think meeting your partner online is a valid. Or that your friendships that develop through a game or a chat room could possibly hold the meaning of the friends local to you.

But are these virtual experiences and venues any less valid or effective than those that happen in person? Look at all that we accomplish through virtual avenues: raising funds and awareness for global causes; connecting people who can change the world from thousands of miles away; spreading knowledge and ideas to those who may not have access to them otherwise; and, on a personal note, helping people like me learn how to see the world and my place in it in a totally new way. The online world brings change, freedom, and so much more.

Why do we discount an online life? Why do we act as if “Real Life” is always more meaningful, respectful, and worthy of our care? Why do we act differently online than we think is appropriate in “Real Life”?’

Here’s what Alexandra Samuel says at the Harvard Business Review:

It’s time to start living in 21st century reality: a reality that is both on- and offline. Acknowledge online life as real, and the Internet’s transformative potential opens up:

1. When you commit to being your real self online, you discover parts of yourself you never dared to share offline.
2. When you visualize the real person you’re about to e-mail or tweet, you bring human qualities of attention and empathy to your online communications.
3. When you take the idea of online presence literally, you can experience your online disembodiment as a journey into your mind rather than out of your body.
4. When you treat your Facebook connections as real friends instead of “friends”, you stop worrying about how many you have and focus on how well you treat them.
5. When you take your Flickr photos, YouTube videos and blog posts seriously as real art, you reclaim creative expression as your birthright.
6. When you focus on creating real meaning with your time online, your online footprint makes a deeper impression.
7. When you treat your online attention as a real resource, you invest your attention in the sites that reflect your values, helping those sites grow.
8. When you spend your online time on what really matters to you, you experience your time online as an authentic reflection of your values.
9. When you embrace online conversations as real, you imbue them with the power to change how you and others think and feel.
10. When you talk honestly about the real joys and frustrations of the Internet, you can stop apologizing for your life online.

If this sounds like the kind of reality you want to live in, I’ve got great news: you can move in today. All it takes is the decision to treat your online existence seriously, honestly and attentively, and you will find that the Internet is RLT: Real Life Too.

What do you think about this? Are online life and offline life different for you? Should they be?

from 'Wonderfully Made' (1967)

I used to think my education about sexuality and reproduction was sub-par, but this woman who wrote in to the advice column Ask Amy takes the cake, cookies, and the whole damn tub of ice cream.

Dear Amy: My husband and I are devout Catholics. We have chosen to protect the innocence of our 7-year-old son by not educating him about the “facts of life” until he hits puberty.

We have told him that the Virgin Mary puts a baby on your doorstep if you pray for one. He is in a Catholic school, so we don’t have to worry about “sexual education.”

My sister knows about our choice, but she does not approve of it. She is pregnant. Recently, she wore a “Baby on Board” T-shirt when visiting.

Our son asked about it, but I did not know what to tell him! What should I do if a problem like this arises in the future?

— Worried Mom

My reaction:

And then I nearly peed myself.

This is ridiculous even for Catholics. This poor child—who will undoubtedly discover the magical powers of his penis before his parents even admit he has one—can only be defined as a victim. His parents’ efforts to shelter him from all knowledge and curiosity will fail miserably thanks to his friends, television, the internet, and print media. They may be Super Catholics™, but they don’t live in a bubble.

I can understand the desire to protect your children from the more crude and basic aspects of life as much as possible, but by blatantly lying about something as obvious as  Mary “the Stork” Mother of Jesus and the fact that babies grow in a mother’s womb they are also killing his trust in them later once he finds out they deceived him. Why should he listen to anything they have to say about sex or the bible when they lie about something so innocent?

One of the main thrusts of Catholic morality is to wait until marriage to have intercourse. If this boy doesn’t learn that babies are a natural consequence of intercourse, he will be even more likely to go out and have sex early on, won’t he? And what a surprise it would be to have a young girl pregnant and the parents hearing their son say, “But I didn’t pray to Mary for a baby. Why did she bring one?”

Don’t even get me started with the mother’s offense at a “Baby On Board” t-shirt.

Oh, but let’s not forget the columnist’s response! Here’s what Amy said:

Dear Mom: You could ask your son’s teachers or clergy for guidance, but because you’re asking me, I’ll respond by asking you: Isn’t an essential element of the drama of Jesus’ birth that he was born of a human mother?

In the biblical version of “Baby on Board,” wasn’t Mary “great with child” when she and Joseph stumbled into Nazareth?

A baby isn’t a newspaper, left on the doorstep by an omnipotent delivery person.

All animals and humans give birth to babies, and even if you don’t want to explain how babies are conceived, it is both truthful and religiously defensible to tell your son that babies grow inside their mother’s bodies (or “tummies”) until they are born. If you want to fabricate the story of how they got there, go for it.

Bravo, and I hope she gets some sense knocked into her.

P.S. The image in this blog post is from Wonderfully Made—an amusing children’s book about families from the point of view of the 1960′s Catholic church. Check it out. Classic gold!

Photo by discoodoni

I feel uncomfortable when it comes to making promises. Saying something like “I can absolutely do that for you.” or “I’ll send that to you ASAP” makes me wary. Why? Because I know myself.

I’m not completely trustworthy, especially when it comes to getting things done. I don’t want to promise anything until I know that I will actually do it and do it on time. Breaking a promise means losing someone’s trust. It also means that I was dishonest (even if unintentionally).

Bigger promises lke “I will always love you” and “I swear I will never ____ again” are obvious trouble-makers. But so many of us say them without worrying if we’ll later break those vows later on. But what if we didn’t promise anything? What would that be like, and would out loved ones have the same confidence and security with us? How would a wedding vow that says “I will try my best to love you for as long as we are compatible” sound?

Lying and promise-breaking also bothered me as a Christian believer. In high school I meditated on the themes of speech, lying, and the power of the tongue. Pardon me for a minute, because I’m about to give you all a little bible study:

• Matthew 12:36-37
• Proverbs 18:21
• Proverbs 19:5
• James 1:26

Yeah, yeah… fiery depths of hell for all liars, blah blah. We got it. But wait. Behind all the “die evildoers” text, I think these verses contain lessons about our speech that people of all religions and non-belief can live by:

• Live with integrity; be trustworthy
• Words have consequences
• Think before you speak

Do you make promises of love and commitment when you know you might not keep them? Do you make promises in general?

Trees are so hot. I just want to hump one right now. Like this guy!

Or maybe… not.

This facebook conversation could have been stolen from one of many a debates I had with other Christians when I was in college. We discussed the topic of masturbation more than anyone should. As you may know, the question “how far is too far?” is more than popular with those battling  raging hormones.

A consensus on whether masturbation was sinful or permissible was hard to come by; but in the end, a middle ground was reached that still let people pleasure themselves, but gave it a nice “sinless” protective barrier. So long as you did not lust and go against what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:27-28, you were not sinning. However, if you fantasized or involved anyone else in the act, you were a dirty sexual deviant.

The idea that someone could masturbate without shame or sin is extremely popular with the young adult crowd. Christianity is calling you a nasty sinner if your hands explore your golden chalice/divining rod/pick your own name–even as your natural (supposedly created by god) body is telling you yes, yes YES! So how do you escape the thought police and still have that tremendous, shuddering release? Think about trees; imagine taking a Chemistry final; recite something you’ve memorized… and my personal favorite: pray!

Yes, I was actually told that if I prayed while I played, that god would keep me from sinning.

It didn’t help. In fact, that seems pretty fucked up to me.

Hey Christians, if any of you read this, here’s a tip:  If you want a healthy sex life in your future, don’t teach yourself early on that what comes naturally to you is shameful or dirty. Masturbation is just fine! And the mind is the most powerful sex organ you have. Don’t stifle it! And for goodness sake, don’t pray while you masturbate.

“We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally.” — Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

This is worthy enough for a tattoo on my arm–except that I want to scrub it out of my life. I live this out almost every day. I seem programmed for detailed observation of others, assigning meaning to actions, facial expressions, words, and even silence. I take certain things very seriously and personally even when I shouldn’t. I’ve never had a thick skin, but I’m at least making my thin skin more “elastic” over time. I think that as we grow as adults, we turn off our “give a damn” sensitivity more easily and start shrugging off the things others say and do that used to make us over-react.

Enough about me; what’s your most recent life lesson?

Photo by tommy_pariah (flickr)

On reddit, droosa asks:

I got to thinking about anger towards religion and religious people. I’ve had periods of vindictive, spiteful anger and other periods of peaceful disagreement. The angry times tend to drain all areas of my life and unfortunately it seems to be cyclical.

So, redditors: How do you transition from anger to something less taxing?

I’m not feeling very practical about this issue. I’ll leave that up to the guys who say, “I await death. Til then, masturbation and video games.” Who can argue with a wank and a Wii?

Anger and cynicism are big issues for me. I’ve spent a long time feeling buried by my resentment and bitterness towards believers, religious leaders, and all of that bullshit. I know I’ve written a thousand tweets and dozens of blog posts about how silly and frustrating I find religion–specifically Christianity. At my worst, I couldn’t even talk to some believers because I assumed the worst and sneered at the idea of what they’d say about prayer or God’s will or some other vacuous superstition.

These days, when someone wants to pray at a function I don’t fume inside; if a friend invites me to church or talks about what she learned in her small group, I don’t roll my eyes and sneer. I don’t feel like I’m fighting for my reason for existing against some malicious population who hates me.

So why do I feel so much more comfortable today?

For me, relationships have been the key. The more I grow close and friendly with people of other ideas, the better I tend to act and feel towards others who hold those ideas–even if they are delusions or born from ignorance.

For instance, I was terribly angry right after leaving faith because I was also angry at myself for being so…duped and taken in. I pushed my anger at this gullability onto those who indoctrinated me. This resentment bounced off onto everyone who indoctrinates others and teaches religious lies… and the cycle continues outward. After a while, I was just plain bitter!

But as I’ve been growing closer to some dear friends who are devout and passionate believers and have connected with them on a fun, peaceful, understanding level, the differences we have sort of melt away. I’m left realizing that my anger is my own struggle. I can have peace and happy relationships with these folks; religion and discord don’t have to be apart of it.

I’m also convincing myself here, you understand. I need to keep taking my own advice.

My point comes down to this: Love people as individuals. See them as more than just “those believers” or “those superstitious weaklings.” Who are they? Why do they have worth and dignity? It’s hard to be angry at people when you understand why they are who they are. Motivations matter, and they come from somewhere. Is it a need for love? A thirst for activity an community? Conformity and social expectation? Depression and fear?

Have understanding, and you won’t need to have so much anger.

Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)

There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”

Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.

Why I’m Childfree

I don’t want kids.

That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.

Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.

If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member

If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.

Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.

Avoid these common phrases or arguments:

• You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
• Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
• When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
• Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
• We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
• It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
• But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
• I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
• You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]

Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.

Why Are Childfree People Mean?

We’re not!

Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.

Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!

I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.

Kids in My Future

Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.

This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”.  It means I am not  bull-headed enough to say “never”.

To My Fellow Childfree Friends

If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!

If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.

I’m neither a psychologist nor expert on these issues, but I’d like to share my interpretations and thoughts about what’s going on here:

The Mothers

Why don’t the mothers do anything about Fergie Olver’s behavior? They’re sitting right next to their daughters who are being pressured into giving out kisses to a middle aged man. I think they hold back out of embarrassment or fear. If they say something, it’s on television in front of an audience that wants lighthearted entertainment. The producers and director would be angry for the disruption. They’d draw attention to themselves. Maybe it’s not a big deal, they might think. This is just funny and non-threatening.

• Can someone who was the age of those children or older tell me what affection with strangers or family friends was like back then? Was it more socially acceptable?

The Audience

Is it nervous laughter we hear in the background, or is it truly amused chortles? It bothers me to hear little snippets of cheering when a girl finally gives in to the pressure.

The Host

Fergie Olver uses a light, playful tone of voice when talking to the girls. He showers them with compliments and asks about their personal life–even the dating practices of one girl. He uses his body to get very close, covering their personal space with his arm around the back of the chair and his head stooped low to make eye contact. He moves closer and tricks the girls into bringing their faces up before stealing a peck on the cheek or even the lips.

When a girl refuses or acts nervous, Olver either goes for the kiss anyway and ignores their feelings, or he tries to persuade them; he even tells Alison (0:46) with a whisper in her ear that if she gives him a kiss, she’ll win the show. When she refuses, he warns her of the consequences.  What do we call coersion of a sexual nature? That’s right kids: sexual harrassment.

What. A. Fucking. Skeezebag. I wonder what Olver’s wife thought of his sexual miscunduct on the show? What was he like in private when the cameras weren’t rolling?

The Kids

Who’s my favorite kid? Alison (0:46) who says clearly that she does not give out hugs and kisses freely and that no she will not give him one even when he asks repeatedly. Alison’s mom calls him a “dirty old man” after he tries to bribe Alison. That’s the one piece of honest observation we get to see in this video, and I don’t feel that anythiing is amusing or wrong about her saying what everyone should have been thinking.

The girls’ body language should say enough: We see two of the girls physically move away from Olver when he goes in for the kiss. They’re startled, frightened, and uncomfortable. That is called unwanted sexual touching.

How did this douchebag get away with such flagrant behavior? Have we simply grown more aware of the dangers of that sort of attention than we were back then? What do you think of these clips?

Photo by Dyanna (flickr.com)

Andrew left a thoughtful, interesting comment on my recent post about coming out to my family. I think it’s worth responding to at length, and I’d like you all to chime in if you feel inspired. What do you think about my decision?

Background

The only family member who does not know of my atheism is my brother. I love him very much, and he’s a great guy. I am intimidated, however, by his methods of confrontation, debate, and the tenacity with which he clings to and reveres his doctrines and traditions. He is a passionate conservative, KJV-only, fundamentalist Baptist preacher who loves to evangelize and debate (neither of which I have ever enjoyed).

“Sinning against yourself”

Andrew has this to say about my reluctance:

I can understand your feelings of wanting to keep people in the dark, it is easier to do nothing. My own coming out as atheist prompted a lot of negative comments from my family, but now I am so free! And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself. What’s more important, his feelings or your being able to live in an honest, open way without cognitive dissonance?

Gonna be painful tho, I know how hurtful believers can be when they are saving the lost.

-Andrew

Privacy vs. Lying

I hear what Andrew is saying, and I admire him for coming out to his family and working through all of the backlash. I’d like to clarify things just for my own satisfaction:

And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

That’s right. It takes years. It’s like putting off excercising/dieting to lose weight because you know how long it will take to reach your goal and how hard it will be. Sure, it’s worth it to start (the sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over the hard parts). But that’s not what procrastinators do. I’m a procrastinator. I avoid difficult situations and put them off. That’s where I’m coming from.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself.

If you consider me not telling him about my religious choices as lying, then I can see your point. But I do not think I’m lying at all. If he asks me a question, I answer honestly. Sure, I’m not telling everything and am withholding some pretty key information about my opinions on certain issues, but I don’t think someone is necessarily lying to me if they don’t tell me about the most personal things going on in their lives.

It’s kind of like political discussions. I’m a progressive, and the rest of my blood family are staunch conservatives. If I don’t mention that I’m a progressive, or that I disagree with their views, or shout my opinions to the world… that doesn’t mean I’m lying to them. they may assume I share their views, but I might not.

I may be avoiding difficult situations–and I may be silly and scared of it–but I don’t think I’m doing it in a “sinful” (ugh, that word…) way.

Photo By Aleera (flickr.com)

Perhaps secrets don’t work in my family. Perhaps my older sister (M) asked directly and my mother didn’t want to lie.

When I came out atheist to my mother in October we agreed that I’d be the one to tell my siblings; I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be my secret keeper or play defense for me. So when my mother called me last night to chat, she admitted that during a conversation about me, she told M that I was an atheist.

I can only imagine what sorts of things they discussed that would lead my mother to feel it was necessary to tell M about my deconversion. Did my recent politically charged discussion with M come up? Did my off-handed Facebook comment about “Fred Phelps and his god” ruffle some curious feathers? Was M concerned about my lack of morals and sex life? Perhaps they spoke about how distant Mom and I have been lately and Mom wanted to tell her why.

I know guessing and making things up in my mind won’t help me know the truth (hint, hint, Christians!), so I’ll stop there. Did it hurt that my mother didn’t let me tell M about being an atheist? I’m surprising myself when I answer: No, not at all, actually. More than anything else, it let me off the hook. I was putting off outsing myself  for “the perfect moment”—which of course would never come. So now that I don’t have to worry about how to say it, I can think forward to how I should present my thoughts and answers to M when she comes to me with questions. She might not; she might not want to tell me that she knows. We’ll just have to see.

Why am I so calm about this? I was filled with anxiety just a few months ago about how my family would react to my coming out. Maybe it’s the lack of reaction (since I wasn’t there) that keeps me feeling peaceful—as if it was a success already. Maybe it’s because I feel so much more confident in who I am and how being an atheist is not wrong. When I found myself feeling guilt or embarrassment about being an atheist, I was acting out of the lessons and patterns I was given as a Christian. I may finally be breaking free of that training… bit by bit.