Archive for ‘relationships’

April 9th, 2010

Am I Lying?

liar

Photo by Dyanna (flickr.com)

Andrew left a thoughtful, interesting comment on my recent post about coming out to my family. I think it’s worth responding to at length, and I’d like you all to chime in if you feel inspired. What do you think about my decision?

Background

The only family member who does not know of my atheism is my brother. I love him very much, and he’s a great guy. I am intimidated, however, by his methods of confrontation, debate, and the tenacity with which he clings to and reveres his doctrines and traditions. He is a passionate conservative, KJV-only, fundamentalist Baptist preacher who loves to evangelize and debate (neither of which I have ever enjoyed).

“Sinning against yourself”

Andrew has this to say about my reluctance:

I can understand your feelings of wanting to keep people in the dark, it is easier to do nothing. My own coming out as atheist prompted a lot of negative comments from my family, but now I am so free! And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself. What’s more important, his feelings or your being able to live in an honest, open way without cognitive dissonance?

Gonna be painful tho, I know how hurtful believers can be when they are saving the lost.

-Andrew

Privacy vs. Lying

I hear what Andrew is saying, and I admire him for coming out to his family and working through all of the backlash. I’d like to clarify things just for my own satisfaction:

And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

That’s right. It takes years. It’s like putting off excercising/dieting to lose weight because you know how long it will take to reach your goal and how hard it will be. Sure, it’s worth it to start (the sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over the hard parts). But that’s not what procrastinators do. I’m a procrastinator. I avoid difficult situations and put them off. That’s where I’m coming from.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself.

If you consider me not telling him about my religious choices as lying, then I can see your point. But I do not think I’m lying at all. If he asks me a question, I answer honestly. Sure, I’m not telling everything and am withholding some pretty key information about my opinions on certain issues, but I don’t think someone is necessarily lying to me if they don’t tell me about the most personal things going on in their lives.

It’s kind of like political discussions. I’m a progressive, and the rest of my blood family are staunch conservatives. If I don’t mention that I’m a progressive, or that I disagree with their views, or shout my opinions to the world… that doesn’t mean I’m lying to them. they may assume I share their views, but I might not.

I may be avoiding difficult situations–and I may be silly and scared of it–but I don’t think I’m doing it in a “sinful” (ugh, that word…) way.

CategoryFundy Friday, christianity, god, personal, relationships, religion, the bible | Comment23 Comments »

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April 3rd, 2010

My Mother Outed Me

Photo By Aleera (flickr.com)

Perhaps secrets don’t work in my family. Perhaps my older sister (M) asked directly and my mother didn’t want to lie.

When I came out atheist to my mother in October we agreed that I’d be the one to tell my siblings; I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be my secret keeper or play defense for me. So when my mother called me last night to chat, she admitted that during a conversation about me, she told M that I was an atheist.

I can only imagine what sorts of things they discussed that would lead my mother to feel it was necessary to tell M about my deconversion. Did my recent politically charged discussion with M come up? Did my off-handed Facebook comment about “Fred Phelps and his god” ruffle some curious feathers? Was M concerned about my lack of morals and sex life? Perhaps they spoke about how distant Mom and I have been lately and Mom wanted to tell her why.

I know guessing and making things up in my mind won’t help me know the truth (hint, hint, Christians!), so I’ll stop there. Did it hurt that my mother didn’t let me tell M about being an atheist? I’m surprising myself when I answer: No, not at all, actually. More than anything else, it let me off the hook. I was putting off outsing myself  for “the perfect moment”—which of course would never come. So now that I don’t have to worry about how to say it, I can think forward to how I should present my thoughts and answers to M when she comes to me with questions. She might not; she might not want to tell me that she knows. We’ll just have to see.

Why am I so calm about this? I was filled with anxiety just a few months ago about how my family would react to my coming out. Maybe it’s the lack of reaction (since I wasn’t there) that keeps me feeling peaceful—as if it was a success already. Maybe it’s because I feel so much more confident in who I am and how being an atheist is not wrong. When I found myself feeling guilt or embarrassment about being an atheist, I was acting out of the lessons and patterns I was given as a Christian. I may finally be breaking free of that training… bit by bit.

Categorychristianity, personal, relationships | Comment23 Comments »

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March 11th, 2010

How to Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations about Religion

Ah the internet. Such a font of fantastic, novel, and often useless knowledge. One of my favorite sites to read for fun is WikiHow.com. The user-created content there is often worth reading if you need some simple advice on how to handle different situations.

Some of these wiki entries apply directly to secular folks like you and me. Do you have a friend who wants to ask you how your spiritual walk with god is going? Is your brother confronting you at an awkward time about your lack of church attendance? Do you just want to avoid debates on religion all together? Check out this bit of wisdom about how to handle acquaintances, family, or friends when they want to talk about spiritual matters:

How to Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations About Religion

Photo by hovering dog (flickr.com)

from wikiHow

There is a time and place for everything under the sun, including discussions about religion. Whether you are religious or not, if someone is trying to draw you into a conversation, or perhaps an argument, regarding religion or morality but the timing and situation is awkward and uncomfortable, this article will help you find a way to avoid a heated debate as politely as possible.

Steps

  1. Resist the urge to argue. It’s difficult to overlook a statement that seems completely ignorant and ungrounded, and you’ll likely have the urge to correct the person. Instead, smile and say “Interesting…”
  2. Meet it head on with honesty. Be true to yourself and your own feelings. Say “I’m not comfortable talking about that and I’m just not willing to have this conversation…”
  3. Redirect the conversation.
    • Ask about their children, significant other, health, or job.
    • Make an absurd joke to deflect the seriousness of the situation. For example, try: “Religion? No, I haven’t seen that movie.” Or: “Religion?! What . . . do you get that at, like, Wal-Mart or Starbucks or something?” Or: “No thanks. I haven’t been able to talk about religion since the last time the Cubs won the World Series.”
    • Dead pan, “I am sorry. I have a firm rule to not discuss politics or religion with anyone I’ve not seen naked.” That usually ends the discussion rather abruptly, and on a light-hearted note.
    • For people who are insistent on discussing religion, however, they’re likely to return to that topic quickly, so keep the conversation flowing at the level of small talk until you can do something else.

    4. read more »

Categorychristianity, god, relationships, religion, resources, skepticism and freethought | Comment8 Comments »

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March 3rd, 2010

Confession and Why It Works for Atheists

Alcoholic SecretConfession. Its common definition outside of the law is an admission of sins or unrighteousness–often in order to gain absolution and forgiveness for breaking the laws or ideals of a deity. But since there is no deity, why should it ever apply to Atheists?

What is confession for atheists?

I’d like to re-brand confession for the secular audience. If it isn’t about sin and disappointing a god, then what is it and why should we adopt a seemingly religious word? I’d like to suggest the following definition:

Confession is an acknowledgment of something personal that perhaps needs improvement, is troubling or difficult, or opens one up to the inclusion of another person into the private parts of someone’s life. Confession may be an admission of wrongdoing, a kept secret, a story of emotional trial, or even a cry for help.

Do you know PostSecret? Then you get an idea of what secular confession is all about.

I grew up in a vibrant, passionate intentional community filled mostly with Catholics. The sacrament of confession is one of the most “holy” and beloved practices in that tradition. One of my closest friends attends a weekly confession with her priest. She meets with him in his office and talks to him about the struggles and frustrations in her life as she tries to become a better person full of love, mercy, and righteousness. I admire her for working so hard at improving who she is on the inside. If confiding in her religious authority brings her closer to what she truly feels is right, then good for her. She’s a gentle and loving friend, and I know she wants to be honest and real with me.

But why should a non-theist use a concept like confession if there is no sin or god to punish and shame us? One reason is because it works. When confession is used to better onesself and one’s community, it helps people open up to one another about the realities and struggles in their lives. Love and care is shared, and the community becomes stronger. The Christian system in particular is certainly a flawed system based on unrealistic expectations and needless guilt and fear, but when the “crime and punishment” aspect of confession is removed, it becomes more like therapy, honest intimacy, and consultation rather than an admission of wrongdoing. This portion of confession is what I desire in my own life.

Confession isn’t about feeling shame or fessing up because you have to. As an adult, no one is forcing you to admit anything. We still have free choice to tell one another about our secrets and our darker moments.

Why confess to another person?

read more »

Categorychristianity, essays, personal, relationships, religion, skepticism and freethought, society | Comment8 Comments »

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