One of the ways I’ve worked to increase my confidence while also having fun is dating casually. And nothing makes this experiment more like a good game of Russian Roulette than finding possible romantic interests on the internet. It’s a Gong Show out there, folks. Don’t go wandering alone without a good sense of humor and thick armor. Oh, and condoms. If you go into heat, package your meat.
I’m currently using the free (and rather great for seculars) dating site OKCupid to fetch possible mates from a population of over 1.5 million. I rather like it, and have met some very nice/sexy/awkward/off-putting/lovable people through it. Though if you think finding a worthy friend, fuckbuddy, or spouse in this large group would be easy, think again. We’re wading into the shallow end of the online dating pool here, folks. You’ll have to sift through characters like this:
(Click to scroll through the gallery)
And then there was my experience yesterday that gave me a bad case of the ragetweet:
Because every woman who is mature about her sexuality, is not embarrassed of her fat body, and who enjoys sex must be totally okay with Neanderthalithic behavior like this, right? Because why wouldn’t she want it? The slut.
Welcome to the world of online dating.
photo by Ken Fager
I’m sick of assholes. I’d be less colorful in my language, but I also don’t think being censored necessarily leads to a better life. Maybe I should add that to my list.
I’ve penned a few quick tips for how to stop being an idiot who makes life unpleasant for yourself and those around you. Most of this is specifically directed at the atheist/theist community. If it applies to you, you probably won’t think it does, but someone out there might be picturing your face or username right about now, so it pays to give a few of these a whirl just to say you tried. Heck, it might just help us become a better society, and wouldn’t that be just peachy?
01
Don’t be an asshole. Just in case specifics are too much for you, try this one as a catch-all.
02
Want someone to listen to your opinions? Start by listening to theirs.
03
Biting one-liners & zingers won’t change anyone’s views on gods or the supernatural. You need to get deeper.
04
When you’re being a dick on the net, the only people who are hearing you are those who already agree with you. Do better.
05
Don’t
ever censor your ‘enemy.’ When we all have equal rights, the best argument should win.
06
If you can make arguments about religion without resorting to cliches, quotes, or insults, you’re one step in the right direction.
07
Yes, some beliefs are silly, but the people who believe them do so for serious reasons. Find out what those are, and you might discover the keys to reaching that person. You might also gain a friend.
08
He/she may be rude, ignorant, or just an enormous bag of dicks, but you don’t need to be one in return no matter how tempting it may be.
09
When you make a mistake, are caught in a fallacy, or otherwise fuck up, apologize and start over. It will go a long way to help communication and gain you some respect.
10
Assume the persons with whom you debate have something to teach you. Be open to it, and they may become open to learning something from you in return.
11
No small group or single person is representative of the whole. Making sweeping statements about others only degrades your position.
12
You never know who is watching or listening. A seemingly insignificant point, fact, or insight you offer might help someone else in a great way.
13
Stick to the facts. Scientific truths and reason are some of the most convincing tools for planting seeds of doubt in outsiders.
14
Be kind and gentle. You won’t regret it, and you’ll gain much.
I’d like to thank many of you who are my friends, confidants, and allies in this world. Without you, I’d be living a much douchier life. I might come off as a bit of a wanker sometimes, but just like many of you, I’m trying to be better. Thanks for helping!
01
It is likely that state and federal holidays coincide with my religious practices, thereby having little to no impact on my job and/or education.
02
I can talk openly about my religious practices without concern for how it will be received by others.
03
I can be sure to hear music on the radio and watch specials on television that celebrate the holidays of my religion.
04
When told about the history of civilization, I am can be sure that I am shown people of my religion made it what it is.
05
I can worry about religious privilege without being perceived as “self-interested” or “selfseeking.”
06
I can have a “Jesus is Lord” bumper sticker or Icthus (Christian Fish) on my car and not worry about someone vandalizing my car because of it.
07
I can share my holiday greetings without being fully conscious of how it may impact those who do not celebrate the same holidays. Also, I can be sure that people are knowledgeable about the holidays of my religion and will greet me with the appropriate holiday greeting (e.g., Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, etc.).
08
I can probably assume that there is a universality of religious experience.
09
I can deny Christian Privilege by asserting that all religions are essentially the same.
10
I probably do not need to learn the religious or spiritual customs of others, and I am likely not penalized for not knowing them.
11
I am probably unencumbered by having to explain why I am or am not doing things related to my religious norms on a daily basis.
12
I am likely not judged by the improper actions of others in my religious group.
13
If I wish, I can usually or exclusively be among those from my religious group most of the time (in work, school, or at home).
14
I can assume that my safety, or the safety of my family, will not be put in jeopardy by disclosing my religion to others at work or at school.
15
It is likely that mass media represents my religion widely AND positively.
16
It is likely that I can find items to buy that represent my religious norms and holidays with relative ease (e.g., food, decorations, greeting cards, etc.).
17
I can speak or write about my religion, and even critique other religions, and have these perspectives listened to and published with relative ease and without much fear of reprisal.
18
I could write an article on Christian Privilege without putting my own religion on trial.
19
I can travel without others assuming that I put them at risk because of my religion; nor will my religion put me at risk from others when I travel.
20
I can be financially successful without the assumption from others that this success is connected to my religion.
21
I can protect myself (and my children) from people who may not like me (or them) based on my religion.
22
Law enforcement officials will likely assume I am a non-threatening person if my religion is disclosed to them. In fact, disclosure may actually help law enforcement officials perceive me as being “in the right” or “unbiased.”
23
I can safely assume that any authority figure will generally be someone of my religion.
24
I can talk about my religion, even proselytize, and be characterized as “sharing the word,” instead of imposing my ideas on others.
25
I can be gentle and affirming to people without being characterized as an exception to my religion.
26
I am never asked to speak on behalf of all Christians.
27
My citizenship and immigration status will likely not be questioned, and my background will likely not be investigated, because of my religion.
28
My place of worship is probably not targeted for violence because of sentiment against my religion.
29
I can be sure that my religion will not work against me when seeking medical or legal help.
30
My religion will not cause teachers to pigeonhole me into certain professions based of the assumed “prowess” of my religious group.
31
I will not have my children taken from me from governmental authorities who are aware of my religious affiliation.
32
Disclosure of my religion to an adoption agency will likely not prevent me from being able to adopt children.
33
If I wish to give my children a parochial religious education, I probably have a variety of options nearby.
34
I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence and importance of my religion.
35
I can be sure that when someone in the media is referring to God, they are referring to my (Christian) God.
36
I can easily find academic courses and institutions that give attention only to people of my religion.
37
My religious holidays are so completely “normal” that, in many ways, they may appear to no longer have any religious significance at all.
38
The elected and unelected officials of my government probably are members of my religious group.
39
When swearing an oath, I am probably making this oath by placing my hand on the scripture of my religion.
40
I can openly display my religious symbol(s) on my person or property without fear of disapproval, violence, and/or vandalism.
Schlosser, L. Z. (2003). Christian privilege: Breaking a sacred taboo. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 31(1), 44-51
You can download a PDF of this list here.
adaptation of Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling by Tom Blackwell
J. Anderson Thomson is a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia. In a recent LA Times opinion post he expounds on the biological reasons we humans created the idea of God in the first place, and what role that belief serves psychologically.
I find these reasons for faith fascinating, and I see how they have been present in my own life.
Like our physiological DNA, the psychological mechanisms behind faith evolved over the eons through natural selection. They helped our ancestors work effectively in small groups and survive and reproduce, traits developed long before recorded history, from foundations deep in our mammalian, primate and African hunter-gatherer past.
For example, we are born with a powerful need for attachment, identified as long ago as the 1940s by psychiatrist John Bowlby and expanded on by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Individual survival was enhanced by protectors, beginning with our mothers. Attachment is reinforced physiologically through brain chemistry, and we evolved and retain neural networks completely dedicated to it. We easily expand that inborn need for protectors to authority figures of any sort, including religious leaders and, more saliently, gods. God becomes a super parent, able to protect us and care for us even when our more corporeal support systems disappear, through death or distance.
Among the psychological adaptations related to religion are our need for reciprocity, our tendency to attribute unknown events to human agency, our capacity for romantic love, our fierce “out-group” hatreds and just as fierce loyalties to the in groups of kin and allies. Religion hijacks these traits.
In addition to these adaptations, humans have developed the remarkable ability to think about what goes on in other people’s minds and create and rehearse complex interactions with an unseen other. In our minds we can de-couple cognition from time, place and circumstance. We consider what someone else might do in our place; we project future scenarios; we replay past events. It’s an easy jump to say, conversing with the dead or to conjuring gods and praying to them.
I know (quite acutely, in fact) that I have a great need for attachment and a sense of another authority; I also possess a tendency to be intuitive or over-analytical about what someone else is thinking and feeling. I have certainly assigned motives and reasons to events that have no human agent.
All of these factors only encompass what I know consciously about myself and how faith has played a role in my life in the past. The chemistry of my brain and the more subtle evolutionary reasons for belief–well, those cannot be controlled. I can only use my reasoning and understanding to choose a different reaction when confronted with the concepts of a great “Other” or supernatural events.
“God” and faith are crafted to fulfill some of our needs and natural inclinations. They are presented to us as a catch-all solution to these inborn “problems.” Do you need love and someone to care for you? God will do it! Do you have a tendency to cling to a group and fear the “others?” Religion is perfect for you! Do you get that tingly feeling that someone is in the room with you when you meditate? That’s a god!
This, of course, doesn’t mean gods are real, but it does illustrate that we have a desire to answer questions and fulfill needs that come naturally to us. When we supply imaginary beings as the answer to the human condition, we’re doing ourselves and our descendants a disservice. It’s much more difficult to see the world objectively and accept the fact that we’re on our own, but it’s empowering and spurs on positive change in society. Why take personal responsibility when it’s much more comforting to know someone else is in charge of the rules who wants us to succeed? Because we will be a better, more altruistic society if we take charge of our actions and how they affect others.
We can be better as a species if we recognize religion as a man-made construct. We owe it to ourselves to at least consider the real roots of religious belief, so we can deal with life as it is, taking advantage of perhaps our mind’s greatest adaptation: our ability to use reason.
I agree!
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