Stone Me

If I was living under Mosaic law today, here are the offenses for which I would be put to death:

Cursing Parents
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

— What can I say? I’ve been angry at them before.

Working on the Sabbath
Whosoever doeth any work in the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Exodus 31:15

— I’m pretty sure I’ve played Pick-Up-Sticks on the Sabbath before ;)

Premarital Sex (girls only)
. . . If, however, this charge is true, that evidence of the young woman’s virginity was not found, then they shall bring the young woman out to the entrance of her father’s house and the men of her town shall stone her to death, Deuteronomy 22:20

— What if I get hymen replacement surgery so nobody will know? Oooh, sneaky.

Worshipping any god but Yahweh
If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that . . . hath gone and served other gods, and worshiped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded; . . .Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5

— Atheists are totally immune to this. Godless heathens FTW!

Girls who are Raped within the City Limits
If there is a girl who is a virgin engaged to a man, and another man finds her in the city and lies with her, then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city and you shall stone them to death; the girl, because she did not cry out in the city . . . But if in the field the man finds the girl who is engaged, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lies with her shall die. Deuteronomy 22:23-25

— On a serious note, I was date raped when I was 18. I wasn’t engaged to be married, but I didn’t cry out for help. Does this mean I would be put to death?

Blasphemers
And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death. Leviticus 24:16

— Oh come on, duh. I’m totally irreverent these days.

Anyone Who Tries to Deconvert Yahweh Worshipers
If anyone secretly entices you–even if it is your brother, your father’s son or your mother’s son, or your own son or daughter, or the wife you embrace, or your most intimate friend–saying, “Let us go worship other gods,” . . . you shall surely kill them; your own hand shall be first against them to execute them. Deuteronomy 12:6

— Does it count if I just try to make them think? Another win for Godless Heathens!

Check out Debunking Christianity for a list of offenses (from which i stole these references) for which you might be stoned. It’s like a sick game of BINGO.

April 23, 2009  |  personal, surveys and lists, the bible  |  4 Comments

When God Says No

from The Onion

from The Onion

Christianity commonly teaches that God always answers prayer in one of four ways (here’s an example):
1) Yes
2) No
3) Wait
4) A specific answer. ex. “Choose chocolate, not vanilla.”

Let’s examine these answers a bit more, shall we? I hope it’s agreed that no one can physically hear God. We just don’t have casual back-and-forth chit-chats with the Almighty Whatsit. Prayer, for even the most sensitive and faithful religious individual, is a one-way street. If we could hear God, we wouldn’t need to guess what he was saying in response, now would we?

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April 16, 2009  |  christianity, god, religion  |  13 Comments

An Atheist’s Bedtime Prayer

I’m heading to bed for the night, and I thought I’d leave you with my revised version of a classic children’s prayer from the 18th century:

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Or toss and turn while counting sheep.
If I die before I wake
The funeral should have milkshakes.

Sweet dreams!

April 15, 2009  |  randomness  |  5 Comments

5 Things I should have known about faith

Dear Previous Self,
cross and sky
I love you, chica. You’re delightful, passionate, curious, and charmingly sardonic. And whatthehell, you’re me; of course I’ve got a soft spot. But oy, you have got to break out of that slump of blissful ignorance you’ve been stuck in since that first felt storyboard in Sunday school. There are some things that must be said. They may not convince you or influence you, but what kind of Future Self would I be if I didn’t try to knock you upside the head?

1) You were not born a Christian. No matter what your family is or was culturally, you are only a member of a religion once you choose to be. Unfortunately, parents don’t trust their children to think and learn on their own, and the word “indoctrination” should be used for what inevitably follows.

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April 14, 2009  |  christianity, god, my past, religion  |  18 Comments