I’m subjecting myself to seeing New Moon today with my girlfriends [Edit: I was going to see it, but then I came down with some nasty virus]. I am the only non-fan among them, so I’ve been acting out by glorifying all that is horrible and hilarious about the book series. Not familiar with Twilight? Unsure if you should read it or not? Here, this should solve everything. (Spoiler alert. …I can’t believe I care about saying that.)
Now the proof that your children should not be reading these books! But perhaps you should if you love to hate things like I do. Quotes were gathered from various sources (mostly this one)–but not my brain nor my books (which I shall not admit to reading unless under extreme duress).
<3 & gay sparkles!
–GG
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.14
“My name is Stephanie Meyer and I just learned about foreshadowing in 8th grade Language Arts!”
Edward: “Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk.”
Bella: “Drunk?”
Edward: “You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”
Edward: “Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?”
Doooouuuuuche
His cold touch on my skin never failed to make my heart thud erratically. Twice, when that happened, I caught a look on his face that made me sure he could somehow hear it.
-Bella
Anyone else wonder what happens when she farts?
I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I would give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.
-Edward Cullen, Midnight Sun
“Well shit, I just wanted to borrow your Bunsen burner; you didn’t have to bite my head off!”
When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.35
No, that starts in book 2.
His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 2, p.45
Cliché #257 accounted for!
I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 3, p.67I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 6, p.117
Aaaaaand obsessed needy girlfriend is born.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Now for the creeptastic best-of-the-best!
You’re always crabbier when your eyes are black — I expect it then.
-Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 8, p.171
Expect what exactly? Red flag!
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Your favorite ex-beauty-queen-conservative-showgirl and mine, Carrie Prejean, took an interview with Christianity Today magazine that inspires many thoughts and a few chuckles. I may not hit on half of them here so go check it out.
The former Miss California contestant says that she is ‘still standing,’ and called a recent video of her ‘the worst mistake of my life.’
I suppose she means she is “now standing, after being flat on her back”? Ohhh GG, you’re so crass.
Let me back it up and explain. I have some compassion for this young woman behind my sarcastic jabs. This 22-year-old was suddenly thrust into the limelight for speaking her unpopular (and ignorant, closed minded) opinion. She wasn’t educated or prepared for such a role, so of course it’s gone to hell in a hand basket (so-to-speak).
Now back to the snark:
I’m sure Miss Prejean is tired of all the interviews and fame. Oh wait–no she isn’t!; She just published a book titled Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks. You’ve got to see the back cover endorsements for yourself. Was Ann Coulter fapping while she read it? Priceless!
For her silicone-enhanced hotness and Jesus-praising appeal, Prejean was instantly picked as the Religious Right poster girl on the issue of same-sex marriage and free speech. But since the conservative media doesn’t properly vet their spokespeople (read: Joe the Plumber), their choices usually backfire in spectacular fashion.
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All of these books have won the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year. It’s my dream to one day make that list. Maybe one person will judge the book by its title and buy a copy!
- If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs (2007)
- Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts (1985)
- The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories (2003)
- The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (2006)
- How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art (1989)
- The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution (1979)
- Reusing Old Graves: A Report on Popular British Attitudes (1995)
- Highlights in the History of Concrete (1994)
- The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History, and Its Role in the World Today (1984)
- People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (2005)
- The Joy of Chickens (1980)
- Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (1986)
- [and my personal favorite since I would actually want to read it] How to Avoid Huge Ships (1992)
I even have a bonus list of titles that were also submitted for this contest. Aren’t you lucky?
Read the Rest! Post a comment (9)When I was in high school, my Christian club secured a legal team to help us navigate what we were allowed to do on school property. Could we have a Bible study during lunch time in the courtyard? Could one of the boys preach like Ray Comfort near the front doors of the school? Was I allowed to have my Bible in class? Was it illegal for the school to censor my friend from sharing the gospel at a school assembly?
We were a controversial group, and the legality of our actions was sometimes called into question. I wish that the club leader had known what the rights of students were and what was considered a breach of church and State separation.
Americans United for Separation of Church and State (AUSCS) just published a new book detailing the current rights and legal climate connecting religion and schools: Religion in the Public Schools: A Road Map for Avoiding Lawsuits and Respecting Parents’ Legal Rights by Anne Lofaso, an Associate Professor of Law at West Virginia University College of Law.
Watch the introductory video and see if it’s a resource you’d find helpful!
You can download the PDF version of the book for FREE at religioninthepublicschools.com and buy the hard copy for reference on Amazon.com.
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