Godless Girl

… and her adventures in Atheism

Posts Tagged coming out

Am I Lying?

Apr 9

Posted by Godless Girl in Fundy Friday, christianity, god, personal, relationships, religion, the bible | 23 Comments

liar

Photo by Dyanna (flickr.com)

Andrew left a thoughtful, interesting comment on my recent post about coming out to my family. I think it’s worth responding to at length, and I’d like you all to chime in if you feel inspired. What do you think about my decision?

Background

The only family member who does not know of my atheism is my brother. I love him very much, and he’s a great guy. I am intimidated, however, by his methods of confrontation, debate, and the tenacity with which he clings to and reveres his doctrines and traditions. He is a passionate conservative, KJV-only, fundamentalist Baptist preacher who loves to evangelize and debate (neither of which I have ever enjoyed).

“Sinning against yourself”

Andrew has this to say about my reluctance:

I can understand your feelings of wanting to keep people in the dark, it is easier to do nothing. My own coming out as atheist prompted a lot of negative comments from my family, but now I am so free! And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself. What’s more important, his feelings or your being able to live in an honest, open way without cognitive dissonance?

Gonna be painful tho, I know how hurtful believers can be when they are saving the lost.

-Andrew

Privacy vs. Lying

I hear what Andrew is saying, and I admire him for coming out to his family and working through all of the backlash. I’d like to clarify things just for my own satisfaction:

And after a few years have been able to mend fences.

That’s right. It takes years. It’s like putting off excercising/dieting to lose weight because you know how long it will take to reach your goal and how hard it will be. Sure, it’s worth it to start (the sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over the hard parts). But that’s not what procrastinators do. I’m a procrastinator. I avoid difficult situations and put them off. That’s where I’m coming from.

I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself.

If you consider me not telling him about my religious choices as lying, then I can see your point. But I do not think I’m lying at all. If he asks me a question, I answer honestly. Sure, I’m not telling everything and am withholding some pretty key information about my opinions on certain issues, but I don’t think someone is necessarily lying to me if they don’t tell me about the most personal things going on in their lives.

It’s kind of like political discussions. I’m a progressive, and the rest of my blood family are staunch conservatives. If I don’t mention that I’m a progressive, or that I disagree with their views, or shout my opinions to the world… that doesn’t mean I’m lying to them. they may assume I share their views, but I might not.

I may be avoiding difficult situations–and I may be silly and scared of it–but I don’t think I’m doing it in a “sinful” (ugh, that word…) way.

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My Mother Outed Me

Apr 3

Posted by Godless Girl in christianity, personal, relationships | 23 Comments

Photo By Aleera (flickr.com)

Perhaps secrets don’t work in my family. Perhaps my older sister (M) asked directly and my mother didn’t want to lie.

When I came out atheist to my mother in October we agreed that I’d be the one to tell my siblings; I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be my secret keeper or play defense for me. So when my mother called me last night to chat, she admitted that during a conversation about me, she told M that I was an atheist.

I can only imagine what sorts of things they discussed that would lead my mother to feel it was necessary to tell M about my deconversion. Did my recent politically charged discussion with M come up? Did my off-handed Facebook comment about “Fred Phelps and his god” ruffle some curious feathers? Was M concerned about my lack of morals and sex life? Perhaps they spoke about how distant Mom and I have been lately and Mom wanted to tell her why.

I know guessing and making things up in my mind won’t help me know the truth (hint, hint, Christians!), so I’ll stop there. Did it hurt that my mother didn’t let me tell M about being an atheist? I’m surprising myself when I answer: No, not at all, actually. More than anything else, it let me off the hook. I was putting off outsing myself  for “the perfect moment”—which of course would never come. So now that I don’t have to worry about how to say it, I can think forward to how I should present my thoughts and answers to M when she comes to me with questions. She might not; she might not want to tell me that she knows. We’ll just have to see.

Why am I so calm about this? I was filled with anxiety just a few months ago about how my family would react to my coming out. Maybe it’s the lack of reaction (since I wasn’t there) that keeps me feeling peaceful—as if it was a success already. Maybe it’s because I feel so much more confident in who I am and how being an atheist is not wrong. When I found myself feeling guilt or embarrassment about being an atheist, I was acting out of the lessons and patterns I was given as a Christian. I may finally be breaking free of that training… bit by bit.

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I’m Out!

Nov 1

Posted by Godless Girl in christianity, god, news, personal, relationships, religion | 23 Comments

Photo by cbguille (flickr)

Photo by cbguille (flickr)

{See my previous post for backstory}

My mother and I decided to eat out last night. After our almost-discussion the day before, the elephant in the room was just too cumbersome. We needed to finish our talk, and I was finally–after over a year of evasion and privacy–ready to tell her.

When our hefty plates of stir fry were placed in front of us, she grinned. “I’m glad your roommate walked in last night.” I grabbed a chunk of meat and stuffed it into my mouth. “I knew that if we had said more, then I would have gone down the path of ‘Well what about this?’ and gone down the path of debate instead of doing what I wanted to do which was understand your journey and see what brought you to where you are today.” She clearly knew what I had to say, but wanted to let me vocalize it all.

I told my story.

. . . . .

My hand shook. I stared as it carried vibrating forkfuls of food towards my mouth–too quickly, I thought. I could barely swallow in time before having another bite to chew. I didn’t feel control over my own movements, so they happened anyway; I simply observed. The clichéd tremble amused me, and I chuckled to myself, which I’m sure came across as puzzling to my mother who sat across from me, leaning back from her empty plate as I continued to work at my food–barely touched.

The need to fill the silence between my mother and I was a desperate itch. I ached to scratch it, but I bit my food with vigor and stared at my stupid, shaking hand instead.

I had just told her I was an atheist. She’d listened to my story, and now she sat silenced, glossy-eyed, and buried beneath her thoughts. As I inhaled my food, I tried to imagine what she felt. Disappointment came to mind first. Probably a caring sort of pity, too. Perhaps she was praying. No, I knew she was praying. My mother always prayed. This is probably the first time she thought twice about praying aloud in front of me.

“I can see how it would be hard for you to deal with all of that alone,” she said.

No more silence.

. . . . .

After the big “moment of truth”, we started discussing various topics and thoughts: We talked about the Catholic church, masculinity and femininity, how she used to be an atheist, evidence for miracles, and that she doesn’t believe Christianity requires people to leave their reasoning skills behind.

Aside: You should know that my mother is one of the most thoughtful and faithful Christians of my acquaintance, and she’s also one of the most respectable, wonderful individuals I’ve ever known. When people talk about blind faith and dumb believers, they are not speaking about this woman.

At the end of our conversation, she mused, “This is astonishing…” I nodded, smiling. “You’re the girl who came home from camp in 7th grade and said, ‘Sorry Mom, I’m going to be a missionary.’”

“I know.”

“Astonishing…”

Who should I tell next?

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Coming Out Atheist…Almost.

Oct 31

Posted by Godless Girl in news, personal, relationships | 20 Comments

jesus-facepalm

*facepalm*

My mother is visiting for a few days as she attends a local conference. We get along well and have been talking over various topics like jobs, memories, family get-togethers, and so forth. Tonight, the conversation turned to my relationship with my Man (If you’re reading this, baby, don’t be weirded out! This is what our family can’t avoid doing.). At the end of this pleasant topic, we discuss the meaning and reasons for getting married vs. long term partnerships. I list my reasons for liking the institution, and then the conversation follows like this:

Mom: “I don’t mean this in a challenging way, but in order to understand you better, may I ask… Is God a part of your reasoning when it comes to marriage?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: {pause} “Okay. The reason I ask is because I have views on the spiritual meaning and value of marriage, and it would only apply if you considered God in the equation.”
Me: {feeling anxious for some reason} “Yeah, I understand that viewpoint–not having been married, but still as a… well, I’ve been from that uh… I know what it means.”
Mom: “May I ask you where you are with the whole God thing? I mean, you don’t have to say anything…”
Me: “No, it’s okay…” {jittery pause, can’t think of the words} “I’m kind of apprehensive about talking over something so personal with people whom I care for so much and whose opinion really matters to me.”
Mom: “Oh I totally understand you there.”
Me: {Forming the words in my mouth to tell her the truth when—}
{–Keys jingle in the lock. Roomie enters the apartment, cracking the tension like peanut brittle}
THE END.

Oh my damn. I was this close, people! I was ready to say these words: “I’ve been an atheist since summer 2008.” But no! I have to start that whole freaking conversation over again! It’s not like she doesn’t know. Look at all those hints I was dropping! She knows I say no to church, don’t talk about spiritual things, don’t pray with others, etc. She just hasn’t heard me say the words yet. I believe I’m ready, but I am totally unrehearsed. I fly by the seat of my pants. This situation was like having my pants split. Awkward, poor timing, and I’m scrambling to act normal. Will I finish the talk this weekend? Probably. I’m sick of secrets.

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