illustration by jessalyn aaland
You know the pattern: trolls infect message boards; disrespectful thoughts are voiced in comments; vile hatred and immature squabbling is shrugged off… all because this online world we both inhabit at this very moment (me writing, you reading) is considered an escape from reality.
Lovers and friends make acquaintances via dating sites, games, and social networks. A global conversation occurs over an electronic medium. Cultures collide, meld, and leak over into each other’s midst all without physical contact.
And still, we shrug off these situations (good and bad) like poor substitutes for living. You wouldn’t believe how many people do not think meeting your partner online is a valid. Or that your friendships that develop through a game or a chat room could possibly hold the meaning of the friends local to you.
But are these virtual experiences and venues any less valid or effective than those that happen in person? Look at all that we accomplish through virtual avenues: raising funds and awareness for global causes; connecting people who can change the world from thousands of miles away; spreading knowledge and ideas to those who may not have access to them otherwise; and, on a personal note, helping people like me learn how to see the world and my place in it in a totally new way. The online world brings change, freedom, and so much more.
Why do we discount an online life? Why do we act as if “Real Life” is always more meaningful, respectful, and worthy of our care? Why do we act differently online than we think is appropriate in “Real Life”?’
Here’s what Alexandra Samuel says at the Harvard Business Review:
It’s time to start living in 21st century reality: a reality that is both on- and offline. Acknowledge online life as real, and the Internet’s transformative potential opens up:
- When you commit to being your real self online, you discover parts of yourself you never dared to share offline.
- When you visualize the real person you’re about to e-mail or tweet, you bring human qualities of attention and empathy to your online communications.
- When you take the idea of online presence literally, you can experience your online disembodiment as a journey into your mind rather than out of your body.
- When you treat your Facebook connections as real friends instead of “friends”, you stop worrying about how many you have and focus on how well you treat them.
- When you take your Flickr photos, YouTube videos and blog posts seriously as real art, you reclaim creative expression as your birthright.
- When you focus on creating real meaning with your time online, your online footprint makes a deeper impression.
- When you treat your online attention as a real resource, you invest your attention in the sites that reflect your values, helping those sites grow.
- When you spend your online time on what really matters to you, you experience your time online as an authentic reflection of your values.
- When you embrace online conversations as real, you imbue them with the power to change how you and others think and feel.
- When you talk honestly about the real joys and frustrations of the Internet, you can stop apologizing for your life online.
If this sounds like the kind of reality you want to live in, I’ve got great news: you can move in today. All it takes is the decision to treat your online existence seriously, honestly and attentively, and you will find that the Internet is RLT: Real Life Too.
What do you think about this? Are online life and offline life different for you? Should they be?
Photo by Mohammad R. Riza (flickr)
There are many people who believe that being childfree (or better yet, “childless by choice”) is a negative trait, especially for a woman. Because I have the body parts and natural cycles that evolution has given to human females, the assumption is that I would desire children and be willing to have them should I “find the right man” or “feel my clock ticking.”
Not having kids is also seen as something to pity. Others who have children know what it’s like to feel that intense love bond between family members and they enjoy raising up the next generation. That’s all puppies and rainbows if that’s what you choose for your life. Many people like myself do not want that for our futures, and we know it is our right to choose and not be pitied or accused of being selfish or ignorant.
Why I’m Childfree
I don’t want kids.
That’s the gist of it, folks. No deep answers from me or essays justifying my desires and my dreams. I don’t need to make excuses. I’m delighted with my choice to not have children! I’ll miss out on some great experiences parents have, but I’ll be an available friend or relative to support them. I’ll gain the benefits of being an adult without such a lifelong responsibility: I’ll have more money, more ability to be flexible and involved in my hobbies and goals, and I won’t lack love, friendship, or joy.
Check out more reasons why people choose a childfree lifestyle.
If You Have a Childfree Friend or Family Member
If you adore kids and want them in your life, I applaud you and thank you. That’s a wonderful life profession that takes serious work and commitment. I am so glad you are in our society. Please do a good job.
Since we disagree on this important issue, it might help you to know what sorts of words or arguments are commonly used that do not help childfree individuals feel loved, understood, nor supported.
Avoid these common phrases or arguments:
- You’re not a fulfilled woman without the experience of having children. [Not only would you sting the childless by choice with this arrogant and ignorant attitude, but also the infertile and single.]
- Even if you don’t want them now, you’ll want them later.
- When you meet the right guy, you’ll want to start a family with him because that’s the evidence of true love and unity.
- Having children and creating a family is the highest calling of a couple. It’s for the greater good.
- We’re biologically designed to reproduce; why fight it?
- It’s what God wants. [I recommend skipping the god-talk all together, especially with seculars like myself. Talk to us in our own language.]
- But you’d be a great parent! [Being a good person and able to take care of and love someone else does not mean they must procreate.]
- I was just like you before! [I'm sure you were childless and happy once. Good for you. We're happy to stay there and that's fine for us.]
- You just don’t understand. [This is so insulting.]
Above all things, do not belittle or invalidate a childfree person. It is a sign that you are not truly listening to what they have to say nor respecting how they feel.
Why Are Childfree People Mean?
We’re not!
Okay, some people are douchebags, but you can find those anywhere.
Here’s a video of typical responses from mothers about being childfree by choice. These ladies are mostly arguing against the angry, bitter population of childfree choicers on the internet, and hot damn, they are not kidding. I’ve read the thoughts, rants, and views of the “militants”, and they offend and annoy me too!
I consider myself a moderate person who supports everyone’s right to choose and encourages families to succeed and children to grow up happy and well. I don’t hate children or think parents are evil. These are extremes. Let’s not go to extremes. There is no need to be nasty and unkind to parents because you do not have something in common with them.
Kids in My Future
Am I always going to be childless by choice? I don’t know. Just like I’m open to new evidence for deities and other mysteries, I am also open to changing my mind about having children. It is a tiny opening, but I’m willing to re-consider my opinions. I don’t foresee a change happening soon (or ever), nor think that my currently non-existent maternal instinct will suddenly kick in when I meet a certain man or turn 35.
This admission of a possibility does not mean I secretly want kids or that I’m just spending a few years having fun before I “settle down”. It means I am not bull-headed enough to say “never”.
To My Fellow Childfree Friends
If you also feel pressured by family, friends, or culture to do things just because of preconceived notions of “how it’s done”–guess what!–You’re not alone!
If your mother wants grandchildren, that’s her issue, not yours. If your best friend has three kids and can’t stop talking about how they’re the best thing to ever happen to her, be glad for her but also share and relish what is joyous and fulfilling in your life. Embrace your freedom and your personal decisions. Follow your dreams, and don’t be trapped by society’s expectations.
What do you think about common superstitions? How many can you think of that people around you still practice or believe in?
Have you ever:
- avoided stepping on sidewalk cracks
- held your breath in a tunnel
- wished someone “Good luck!”
- walked around a ladder instead of underneath it
- been afraid of breaking mirrors
- crossed yourself, kissed a saint medal, or lit a candle before performing a task
- crossed your fingers when telling a lie or wishing for a certain outcome
- believed in Murphy’s Law
- owned a rabbit’s foot or four-leafed clover
- broken a wishbone with a family member or friend
- kept the groom from seeing the bride before the wedding
All of the above are what we see now as silly superstitious actions and beliefs, but still hold a memorable place in western culture. What others did you grow up with that are still practiced even though they have no basis in science or rational thought? Are you at all superstitious? Do you play along with any superstitions for fun? Does it bother you when someone else does?
Is there such a thing as a Christian Atheist? Robert Jensen, a non-believing attender of St. Andrew’s Presbyterian in Austin, Texas, claims to be exactly that. How can this be? Why did this non-theist join a Christian congregation and even later preach sermons and lead prayers?
[Jensen recently] returned from a trip to South Africa. Folks there, he said, put a high premium on ubuntu, the concept that people become fully human by living within a community and recognizing the humanity of others.
In his mind, that’s crucial in trying to address problems such as racism, imperialism, sexual exploitation, environmental destruction and economic injustice.
…”I joined a Christian church to be part of that hope for the future, to struggle to make religion a force that can help usher into existence a world in which we can imagine living in peace with each other and in sustainable relation to the non-human world,” Jensen writes. “Such a task requires a fearlessness and intelligence beyond what we have mustered to date, but it also requires a faith in our ability to achieve it.
“That’s why I am a Christian.”
No, sir, you’re a good-hearted humanist in sheep’s clothing.
Having hope, living in peace, recognizing humanity in those around us, and using community to achieve it does not rely upon religion nor upon Christianity. The church may be one avenue that’s currently open to spreading good to this world, but it certainly doesn’t need to be the only one. And it could do a lot better.
Bettering humanity is a task for each of us. I agree with that concept of ubuntu; humans are community-oriented creatures. As a Christian in my past, and now as a freethinking atheist, I heartily believe that we become the best of all possible beings when we’re in community with one another. Being together crafts us into better people who can change the world.
We can all do these amazing things; we just need to build more avenues that are open to more people (and–may I say–avenues that don’t rely on mystical ghosts and superstitions to light the way). What better way to serve the world than to have secular communities that neither rely on ancient myths or supernatural motivations to do good, nor have to fit into the limited model that is “church”. Sure, it would take creativity, time, and hard work, but perhaps we could create a community of communities that could better serve those around us and the world than what’s been done before.
We don’t need to try to fit into an old, dusty model that’s too stuffed with misdeeds and mystical nonsense. We can make something new!
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