photo by sarahephoto
Happy one year “outiversary” to me!
It was exactly one year ago that I came out godless to my mother. Declaring myself to her is the biggest step I’ve taken in my transition out of Christianity into atheism. It was scary! I can happily relate that she and I are slowly repairing the broken emotional divide between us, and I see a life of acceptance and respect ahead. At least, that’s what I dearly hope for every day. Love you, Mom!
I just wanted to spread heaps of love today and give out virtual hugs to all of you who have been with me through this long, complicated process. Revealing such a deep, personal secret to one’s family is difficult, but I have all of you to thank for the courage you give me to be myself and be proud of it. It’s not over yet, but I’m on my way!
Read more about coming out atheist and share your own stories 
Photo by Dyanna (flickr.com)
Andrew left a thoughtful, interesting comment on my recent post about coming out to my family. I think it’s worth responding to at length, and I’d like you all to chime in if you feel inspired. What do you think about my decision?
Background
The only family member who does not know of my atheism is my brother. I love him very much, and he’s a great guy. I am intimidated, however, by his methods of confrontation, debate, and the tenacity with which he clings to and reveres his doctrines and traditions. He is a passionate conservative, KJV-only, fundamentalist Baptist preacher who loves to evangelize and debate (neither of which I have ever enjoyed).
“Sinning against yourself”
Andrew has this to say about my reluctance:
I can understand your feelings of wanting to keep people in the dark, it is easier to do nothing. My own coming out as atheist prompted a lot of negative comments from my family, but now I am so free! And after a few years have been able to mend fences.
I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself. What’s more important, his feelings or your being able to live in an honest, open way without cognitive dissonance?
Gonna be painful tho, I know how hurtful believers can be when they are saving the lost.
-Andrew
Privacy vs. Lying
I hear what Andrew is saying, and I admire him for coming out to his family and working through all of the backlash. I’d like to clarify things just for my own satisfaction:
And after a few years have been able to mend fences.
That’s right. It takes years. It’s like putting off excercising/dieting to lose weight because you know how long it will take to reach your goal and how hard it will be. Sure, it’s worth it to start (the sooner you do it, the sooner it’s over the hard parts). But that’s not what procrastinators do. I’m a procrastinator. I avoid difficult situations and put them off. That’s where I’m coming from.
I just want to say that by lying to your brother, you are sinning against yourself.
If you consider me not telling him about my religious choices as lying, then I can see your point. But I do not think I’m lying at all. If he asks me a question, I answer honestly. Sure, I’m not telling everything and am withholding some pretty key information about my opinions on certain issues, but I don’t think someone is necessarily lying to me if they don’t tell me about the most personal things going on in their lives.
It’s kind of like political discussions. I’m a progressive, and the rest of my blood family are staunch conservatives. If I don’t mention that I’m a progressive, or that I disagree with their views, or shout my opinions to the world… that doesn’t mean I’m lying to them. they may assume I share their views, but I might not.
I may be avoiding difficult situations–and I may be silly and scared of it–but I don’t think I’m doing it in a “sinful” (ugh, that word…) way.
Photo By Aleera (flickr.com)
Perhaps secrets don’t work in my family. Perhaps my older sister (M) asked directly and my mother didn’t want to lie.
When I came out atheist to my mother in October we agreed that I’d be the one to tell my siblings; I didn’t want her to feel obligated to be my secret keeper or play defense for me. So when my mother called me last night to chat, she admitted that during a conversation about me, she told M that I was an atheist.
I can only imagine what sorts of things they discussed that would lead my mother to feel it was necessary to tell M about my deconversion. Did my recent politically charged discussion with M come up? Did my off-handed Facebook comment about “Fred Phelps and his god” ruffle some curious feathers? Was M concerned about my lack of morals and sex life? Perhaps they spoke about how distant Mom and I have been lately and Mom wanted to tell her why.
I know guessing and making things up in my mind won’t help me know the truth (hint, hint, Christians!), so I’ll stop there. Did it hurt that my mother didn’t let me tell M about being an atheist? I’m surprising myself when I answer: No, not at all, actually. More than anything else, it let me off the hook. I was putting off outsing myself for “the perfect moment”—which of course would never come. So now that I don’t have to worry about how to say it, I can think forward to how I should present my thoughts and answers to M when she comes to me with questions. She might not; she might not want to tell me that she knows. We’ll just have to see.
Why am I so calm about this? I was filled with anxiety just a few months ago about how my family would react to my coming out. Maybe it’s the lack of reaction (since I wasn’t there) that keeps me feeling peaceful—as if it was a success already. Maybe it’s because I feel so much more confident in who I am and how being an atheist is not wrong. When I found myself feeling guilt or embarrassment about being an atheist, I was acting out of the lessons and patterns I was given as a Christian. I may finally be breaking free of that training… bit by bit.
photo by DerrickT
The delightful and thoughtful @hyumen documented the beginning of a long journey on her blog.
Well, I did it. I told my family that I am an atheist. Sort of.
After posting the results of the “Do you believe in God?” CNN poll (which strongly favored “No” at the time of its closing), a discussion about doubting God’s existence broke out on her Facebook page. Two family members joined her in vocalizing those doubts, while another, a theist, spoke back about why God is truly there.
The good news is that at least a part of my family knows how I feel now. We all know what the bad news is. I will have to hear the hellfire and brimstone sermonettes at every turn, as will my nephew and daughter. However, the family doesn’t know there are several more in the family who have yet to come out of the atheist closet. The holidays this year should be very interesting.
Make sure to check out her blog and support her as she navigates this family situation.
As the aphorism goes, “Everyone is coming from somewhere”. Some atheists were raised without religion and faith; others live in areas that are unwelcoming to the non-religious.
For all of you atheists who had to come out of the proverbial closet as non-believers: What steps did it take to be completely public and honest about your identity? Was it a confession to one individual at a time or perhaps a more public approach like @hyumen’s? Were the people around you welcoming and understanding of you or did they evangelize and debate? How long were you “in the closet” before coming out godless?
Cast your vote:
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