“I’m not religious; I’m a Jesus-follower.”
“I love Jesus but hate religion.”
“Christianity isn’t a religion; it’s a relationship.”
Have you ever heard these statements from Christians before? I sure have. In fact, I’ve even said them before. I felt much like this young poet:
I think he communicates some admirable views on the role of people in society:
- love others
- be accepting
- don’t be a hypocrite
- forgive
- feed the poor
- support and help those in pain
- be genuine and live out your convictions
- don’t be a sheep
And some opinions about religion I also support:
- religion is a man-made societal infection
- religion enslaves
- religion causes wars
- religion makes followers blind and intolerant
Despite all of this, I disagree with his claim that Jesus is not connected to religion at all. In fact, he even says Christianity and religion are totally separate from one another. Oh really, now? Christianity isn’t a man-made invention? The only writings about Jesus weren’t written by a bunch of anonymous men who wanted to convert followers to their belief system? Jesus wasn’t a Jewish Rabbi who was Torah-observant all his life? The belief that we’re sinners who need supernatural salvation isn’t religious?
I think it’s popular to claim Jesus wasn’t a religious man or that a “true follower of Jesus” is better than a “religious person” because it makes Christianity seem more hip, liberal, and casual than the actual theology and doctrines of the religion truly are. How do you gain followers among doubtful and skeptical youth? You make your product cool; you make it edgy; you rebel just enough against “the system” to show you don’t like authority while still staying within the lines of the “sinner needing salvation” requirement.
Dear cool Christian Christ-follower: You can’t follow Jesus without religion. The only reason you even know about Jesus is because his followers created his legend within the framework of religion. Go ahead, leave the shitty parts of your religion in the dust; for that I applaud you. Love others, be genuine, and hate hypocrisy all you want. Just don’t think you can redefine something just to make it less disgusting and objectionable. Your love of this hippie Jesus guy and dislike for empty ritual doesn’t mean his teachings are any more true or reasonable from your mouth than they are when it’s preached within the four walls of a cathedral. You can’t whitewash Christianity and ignore the reality.
Here’s a tip: try being a humanist. You’ll fit right in!
What is it with the phrase “smoking hot wife” right now in protestant Christianity? Is this a fad I’ve missed out on since I’m:
- Single?
- Atheist?
There are too many Christianese clichés to count, but this particular one catches me off-guard because it makes me picture two people rumpling the foreskin after church.
We get it folks; you want to show off how badass-naughty Christians can be. Obviously secular culture is just dirty and sinful in its sexuality and doesn’t have the firey burning love machine you have in your bed. Your smokin’ hot brides are giving you the best Jesus-blessing sex of your lives, right? Way to tease the singles though. Are you about to go home and get it on? Thanks for telling us about it. Jesus loves watching you make whoopie next to that cross on your wall.
Want to read a fabulous list of current Christian cliches even the believers hate? Check this out (and don’t miss the comments!). Here are some of my favorites:
love on, as in, “Let’s just love on these precious kids.”
Uhm… hi there.
just. This is a mild but pervasive example that peppers many prayers and is intended, I suppose, to express humility.
Christ-follower. A problematic trend in recent years is calling oneself this rather than a Christian. I understand the embarrassment the label Christian can cause when it aligns one with others who are not as smart, savvy, or theologically and politically progressive as oneself. (Yes, that was sarcasm, another language altogether).
Let us pray. “Dear Father God, we just come before you as Christ-followers. Just bless us today and just shower us with your cleansing rain and just forge us holy fire today, God. Oh Father God we just ask that your holy spirit just fills us up with your smokin’ hot love.”
Yeah, that probably happened at church yesterday.
Here’s one of the best prayers ever that uses a few of my favourite crazy Christianese phrases:
Thank you for giving me a stomach ache of joy, NASCAR. Oh, and Jesus. And this guy’s smokin’ hot wife. And Talladega Nights. Buggity boogity boogity, AMEN!
I love the comic brilliance of Dan Aykroyd. I have such fond memories of watching him act on Saturday Night Live and in films such as Ghost Busters and The Blues Brothers.
And then my mind was blown. He is so much more.
My flat mate introduced me to this man’s passion for the paranormal and love for conspiracy theories. He’s even a Hollywood spokesperson for The Mutual UFO Network (MUFON).
Did you know Dan Aykroyd made vodka?
This video was the sole reason we bought Crystal Head Vodka. We just could not contain our mirth. The bottle is now sitting on our bookcase, and the vodka is actually rather tasty.
For all you Netflix members, there’s an interview-posing-as-documentary on Netflix Streaming called “Dan Aykroyd Unplugged on UFOs” that is just as hilarious as any UFO believer raving on about the topic—except this is Dan Aykroyd being serious, which makes it even more funny to me. The description on Netflix reads: “Skeptics beware!” So obviously, skeptics should grab the popcorn and enjoy this failure of a documentary. I can’t even describe the terrible narration by the interviewer, cheap camcorder production value, and the graphics. Glorious.
I think Aykroyd might just be the most entertaining rambler of all time:
Quick video catch of the day for your enjoyment!