Hey baby, what’s your sign? You don’t know anymore, do you?
Woo-woo lovers everywhere are going apeshit because the astrological calendar has added a 13th sign, Ophiuchus (try to get a sexy tattoo of that on your ass, ladies). This addition shifts the dates for all the other signs:
Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
Take me for example. I used to be a Pisces, which means that I was (supposedly) intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, and impressionable.
Here’s the NEW me: Aquarius! I’m (supposedly) individualistic, assertive, independent, humanitarian, inventive, original, eccentric, opinionated, intellectual, idealistic, cool, friendly, and detached. How can you be both friendly and detached? I have no idea, but apparently that’s who I am. The stars told me so!
Hey, maybe it is true! According to my profiles, as a Pisces I was “spiritual” but now I’m an “intellectual” and “logical” Aquarius! 
I find this stuff to be both interesting and ridiculous. I admit I love knowing more about myself and analyzing my traits and personality. Does that mean I take astrology seriously? Shit no. The stars can’t tell me who I am more than a cold reading by any psychic.
But damn, I love seeing people freak out that their Zodiac tattoos are now incorrect. Are you passionate or intelligent now? Are you compatible with an Aries or not? The internet is filling up with cries of OMGAHH, HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT SOMEONE TELLING ME WHAT MY PERSONALITY IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
I get the feeling that the dewoosional are just empty shells waiting for someone else to fill them with fluff. Fill your own shell … with cheese or maybe a personality or an original thought!
This Aquarius is going to go listen to some music to celebrate my new personality.
Count on the best satirical source for news, The Onion, to hit on the truth behind our culture more than any of the “serious” news organizations. Case-in-point: Nation’s Experts Give Up, an amusing lament by scientists and experts on how Americans have ignored their advice for years. They give up!
“Since you don’t seem to care about things you don’t understand, screw you. We quit” [said Dr. Simon Peavy, vice-president of the National Association of Experts].
“My final piece of expert advice,” Peavy added, “is that all of you people should just go fuck yourselves.”
According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by the nation’s experts, the National Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in the manner they had intended.
According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will be missed, but the nation must move forward. “We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America’s most knowledgeable individuals in every field,” Landau said. “But at the same time, it’s important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always impractical.”
Landau said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with “positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and astrologers” as soon as funding can be arranged.
I spotted an exchange about this article on facebook:
Can you get any better than that fabulous Colbert quote immediately followed by a stellar example of Christian willful ignorance? Lisa admits that she’ll sit at the bottom of the intellectual heap and ignore anyone smarter than her so long as it fits what she thinks about her imaginary skygod friend, the “Man at the Top”. Being proud of ignoring wisdom, learning, science, and intelligence is ridiculous and yet oh-so-common within Fundamentalist circles.
If you’re a fan of skepticism, science, and laughs, you’ll adore my favorite musical comic, Tim Minchin (possibly bumping the late, great Victor Borge down a notch). What I would give to see him perform live! He has the perfect song to illustrate the skeptic’s view of woo: “If You Open Your Mind Too Much Your Brain Will Fall Out (Take My Wife)”
You can download an mp3 of this song (and others) here!
Bonus! His long-and-worth-every-second hilarious beat poem “Storm” slams woo with crisp, creative rhyme. Tim, my mind is humping you! Hope that’s okay with your wife.
P.S. Did you know that my pet term “dewoosional” is now up on urbandictionary.com? Now you do.
Why is woo dangerous? I could pontificate for pages, but instead let’s look at a more-than-worthy example of some serious woo woo that is putting a child’s life on the line:
… A 14 year old girl, Tamar, was recently diagnosed with liver cancer which required immediate and aggressive chemotherapy. But her parents have shunned conventional treatment in favour of “mud” therapy. A team of oncologists at Princes Margaret Childrens’ Hospital advised that a seven week course of chemotherapy would give Tamar a 50-60% chance of survival. Despite the treating hospital pleading with the parents to consent to chemotherapy, eventually seeking the involvement of the WA legal system, the parents fled Australia to El Salvador.
Their preferred treatment is tea made from herbs, and red clay gathered from around the hills near their house in El Salvador. Tamar’s mother says that “Clay is basically the right medicine for any kind of illness, (it can cure) anything”. She went on to say, “..it dries up anything that is causing the illness in your system”.
(source)
Olin Thang on 
Cortez Frisch on 
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