Godless Girl

The Bible has the best (read: craziest) stories. Take Genesis 34 for example.

Backstory

Hebrew patriarch Jacob gets tricked into marrying his cousin, Leah, when he actually wanted to marry her sister Rachel. The girls become the original “sister wives.” Jacob also marries two of their servants so he can spawn more babies. Out of this, he gains 12 sons (the tribes of Israel) and a daughter named Dinah.

WTF? Genesis 34

TL;DR Dinah gets raped. Dicks are trimmed, men murdered, and families are enslaved.

This is fucked up, and the cat knows it.

Dinah is taking a tip to visit her girlfriends. The local ruler’s son Shechem thinks she’s smokin’ hot so he—of course—rapes her. I guess he had a good time, because he falls in love with her. The writer doesn’t give a damn about Dinah from here on out.

Shechem’s father Hamor asks Dinah’s  father Jacob to let Shechem marry the girl he assaulted (remember, rape is okay in the Bible as long as you marry the girl after! See Deuteronomy 22:28-29). During the meeting, Dinah’s brothers come back from the fields and go apeshit about their little sister’s  rape. Shechem says “Oops, my bad” and tells them he’ll do absolutely anything to marry this chick.

Hamor and Shechem offer to trade their own women to Jacob’s family for intermarriage as bargaining chips. They just have to purchase Dinah. Women are property. This girl must have some skills.

Dinah’s brothers are—understandably—really fucking angry about their sister’s rape. For revenge, they screw around with Hamor, demanding that every man in his town gets the tip of his penis cut off. You heard right—foreskins for a chick. For some demented reason, Hamor and Shechem agree to the deal and go order everyone to get circumcised. Poor blokes.

Three days later while all those penises are still sore (I love that this fact is included in the text, by the way), Jacob’s sons attack the town and murder every single male! KABLAMMO! They loot the place, snatching the herds and capturing all the women and children (who I’m sure were so thrilled that their family members were just murdered right in front of them!).

Jacob gets pissed because his sons make his social life more difficult.

THE END

Who is more fucked up in this story? Everyone except Dinah seems like a complete brutish arse. Read this to your kids at night and see what kinds of dreams they have.